Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[singleplumplady]

Penis Song

WALKING EAGLE

President Bush was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation last weekend in Arizona. He spoke for almost an hour on his future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living. He referred to his career as Governor of Texas, how he had signed "YES" 1,237 times - for every Indian issue that came to his desk for approval.

Although the President was vague on the details of his plan, he seemed most enthusiastic about his future ideas for helping his "red brother"

At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented the President with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle. The proud President then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds

A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they come to select the new name given to the President.

They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.

[Martian.C]

A Frenchman, an American and a Mexican were chatting while waiting for their drinks in a bar.

The Mexican's order comes up, and it's a tequila. He downs it with one long pull, and then, much to the surprise of the other two, throws the glass at the wall! Seeing the American and Frenchman staring at him, he answers, "In Mexico, we have so much glass, we don't drink from the same glass twice!"

Not to be outdone, the French orders a bottle of the bar's best wine. He pours out a glass of the finest wine, drinks a sip, and then hurls the entire bottle at the wall! He looks at the other two and said, "In France, we have so much wine, we don't pour from the same bottle twice!"

The American nods at the other two, downs his beer in one chug, and then whips out a gun and BAM!! He shoots the Mexican right in the face! He turns to the shocked Frenchman and then drawled, "In USA we have so many Mexicans, we never drink with same Mexican twice!!"

[medic542]

The doc told him that masturba*ting before sex often helped men last longer the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted. "Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there, because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes"

[medic542]

A mom of an 8-year-old boy was awaiting her son's arrival from school. As he ran in, he said he needed to talk to her about making babies. He claimed he knew about the development of a fetus but didn't understand the answer to that "million dollar question." Namely, how did the sperm get into the woman? The mom asked the boy what he thought the answer was. The boy said that the sperm is manufactured in the man's stomach, it rises up to his chest, then throat, and into his mouth whereupon he kisses the woman and deposits the sperm into her mouth. The mom told her boy that was a good guess, but wrong. She said that she would give him a hint... that the sperm came out of the man's pen*is. Suddenly, the boy's face became quite red and he said, "YOU MEAN YOU PUT YOUR MOUTH ON THAT THING!?"

[medic542]

A man stops by a diner at noon, the busiest time of day, sits down at the counter and asks for a cup of coffee. The waitress, who is very busy, gives him his coffee and rushes off to help the numerous customers having lunch at the diner. The man, who uses both creamer and sugar in his coffee, notices that the container is empty. As the waitress rushes by, he asks her to bring him cream and sugar for his coffee. The waitress, busier than she can ever remember being before, rushes to the back to pick up more orders. As she passes the cabinet where the extra sugar and cream are kept, she sets a plate down and puts sugar cubes and creamer packets in her bosom because both her hands are full. After she has served the two plates she was holding, she returns to the man and asks him, "How many sugar cubes did you want in your coffee?" The man says, "Two's fine. "She reaches into her b*ra, pulls out two sugar cubes and into his cup drops them." "And cream?" she asks. The man looks at her, squarely in the eye and says, "You wouldn't dare!"

[medic542]

M sends James Bond on a secret mission to heaven. When M doesn't hear from Bond for over a day, he gets worried and calls up heaven. The Virgin Mary picks up the phone and says "Virgin Mary speaking. "M asks her if Bond has reached there yet. She replies that he hasn't.M waits another few hours and calls heaven back again. "Virgin Mary speaking," comes the response. "Is James there yet?" asks M. Again the answer is no. M is really worried by this time but he waits for a few more hours and then calls heaven back again. "Hello, Mary speaking !"

[medic542]

Mr.Sharma comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody. "The next day, Mrs.Sharma receives a telephone call from AEC (Ahmadabad Electric Company) because the electricity bill has not been paid. "Am I speaking to Mrs.Sharma ? ""Yes...... speaking"AEC guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!" "How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman. "Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the AEC guy. "What are you saying? It's in your files ...... HOW ?????" "Yes ........... We have a system of finding out who's overdue ""GOD !!!!!!...... ... this is too much........ .." "Madam, I am sorry...... I am following orders.... I have to inform you are overdue" "I know that ........ let me talk to my husband about this tonight...... he will speak to your company tomorrow." "That night, she tells her husband about the visit and he, mad as a bull, rushes to AEC office the next day morning. "What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts. "Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at AEC, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us.." "PAY you? and if I refuse?" "Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off." "And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks."I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."

[medic542]

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do,and pray. The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone. "Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I've been saved.""Saved? And how did that come about?" asked the old nun."Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven." "Did he now?" said the old nun evenly. Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock." "Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly. "At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved." "That wicked old bastard" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn ... and I've been blowing it for 40 years."

[medic542]

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into t he car.I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?

[medic542]

A ninety year old man lived in a rest home and got a weekend pass. He stopped in his favorite bar and sat at the end and ordered a drink. He noticed a seventy year old woman at the other end of the bar and he told the bartender to buy the lovely young lady a drink. As the evening progressed, the old man joined the lady and they went to her apartment, where they got it on. Four days later, the old man noticed that he was developing a drip, and he headed for the rest home doctor. After careful examination the doctor asked the old man if he had engaged in sex recently.The old man said, "Sure!"The doctor asked if he could remember who the woman was and where she lived." "Sure, why?" "Well you`d better get over there, you are about to cum!"

[medic542]

A man takes a girl in his car and stops seven miles out of town, and says he wants to make love to her. She refuses, and walks back. The second night he takes her twelve miles out of town and tells her he really wants to make love to her. She still refuses and walks back. The third night he takes her thirty miles away and lo and behold, she gives in. Afterward, he asks her why she finally gave in. She shrugged and said I'll walk seven miles, even twelve miles, to save a friend of mine from a case of herpes but thirty miles NO WAY !!!!

[medic542]

Paul picked this woman up in a nightclub and took her home. While they were walking home he didn't say a thing.
"You're not the communicative type, are you?" she said as they were undressing.

"Nah," Paul replied and pulled out his old fella. "I do all my talking with this."

"Damn," said the girl as she leaned forward to look. "You don't have much to say, do you?"

[Cum_Luver]

Two blondes walk into a bar, each orders a drink.

They go and sit down and start toasting and cheering, "51 days! 51 days!!"

About five minutes later, another blonde walks in, orders a drink, and joins the other two in the cheering. Finally, another blonde walks in with what looks like a cardboard picture.

She puts the picture thing in the middle of the table, and starts cheering with the others, "51 days! 51 days!! The Bar Tender starts too get really curious, so he walks over to discover that the picture is a Cookie Monster puzzle. He walks over to one of the blondes and asks, "What on earth are you doing??" "Well," the blonde says, "everyone thinks blondes are so stupid, so we proved them wrong. On the box of this puzzle, it says 2-4 years, but we finished it in only 51 days!!!

[Cum_Luver]

One morning this blonde calls her friend and says "Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it."

Her friend asks "What is it a puzzle of?"

The blonde says "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

The blonde's friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box.

He then turns to her and says: "First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger. Second, I'd advise you to rel ax, have a cup of coffee, and put all these Kellog's Frosted

Flakes back in the box."

[Cum_Luver]

Bill and Bob, two children, were sitting outside a clinic. Bill happened to be crying very loudly.

"Why are you crying?" Bob asked.

"I came here for a blood test," sobbed Bill.

"So? Are you afraid?"

"No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.

As Bob heard this, he immediately began crying profusely.

Astonished, Bill stopped his tears and asked Bob, "Why are you crying now?"

To which Bob replied, "I came for a urine test!"