Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[birdie8819]

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colourful words in the English language today is the word "fuck". It is the one magical word, which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate.

In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (Mary fucked John) and intransitive (John was fucked by Mary). It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary). It can even be used as a conjunction (John is ugly, fuck, he's also stupid). As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "fuck."

Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:

1) Surprise -- "What the fuck are you doing here?"
2) Fraud -- "I got fucked by the car dealer."
3) Resignation -- "Oh, fuck it!"
4) Trouble -- "I guess I'm fucked now."
5) Aggression -- "FUCK YOU!"
6) Disgust -- "Fuck me."
7) Confusion -- "What the fuck...?"
8) Difficulty -- "I don't understand this fucking business!"
9) Despair -- "Fucked again...."
10) Pleasure -- "I fucking couldn't be happier."
11) Displeasure -- "What the fuck is going on here?"
12) Lost -- "Where the fuck are we?"
13) Disbelief -- "UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE!"
14) Retaliation -- "Up your fucking ass!"
15) Denial -- "I didn't fucking do it."
16) Perplexity -- "I know fuck-all about it."
17) Apathy -- "Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?"
18) Greetings -- "How the fuck are ya?"
19) Suspicion -- "Who the fuck are you?"
20) Panic -- "Let's get the fuck out of here."
21) Directions -- "Fuck off."
22) Awe -- "How the fuck did you do that?"

It can be used in an anatomical description -- "He's a fucking asshole."
It can be used to tell time -- "It's five fucking thirty."
It can be used in business -- "How did I wind up with this fucking job?"
It can be maternal --"Motherfucker."

[madaboutsex]

Originally Posted by birdie8819

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colourful words in the English language today is the word "fuck". It is the one magical word, which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate.

In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (Mary fucked John) and intransitive (John was fucked by Mary). It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary). It can even be used as a conjunction (John is ugly, fuck, he's also stupid). As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "fuck."

Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:

1) Surprise -- "What the fuck are you doing here?"
2) Fraud -- "I got fucked by the car dealer."
3) Resignation -- "Oh, fuck it!"
4) Trouble -- "I guess I'm fucked now."
5) Aggression -- "FUCK YOU!"
6) Disgust -- "Fuck me."
7) Confusion -- "What the fuck...?"
8) Difficulty -- "I don't understand this fucking business!"
9) Despair -- "Fucked again...."
10) Pleasure -- "I fucking couldn't be happier."
11) Displeasure -- "What the fuck is going on here?"
12) Lost -- "Where the fuck are we?"
13) Disbelief -- "UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE!"
14) Retaliation -- "Up your fucking ass!"
15) Denial -- "I didn't fucking do it."
16) Perplexity -- "I know fuck-all about it."
17) Apathy -- "Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?"
18) Greetings -- "How the fuck are ya?"
19) Suspicion -- "Who the fuck are you?"
20) Panic -- "Let's get the fuck out of here."
21) Directions -- "Fuck off."
22) Awe -- "How the fuck did you do that?"

It can be used in an anatomical description -- "He's a fucking asshole."
It can be used to tell time -- "It's five fucking thirty."
It can be used in business -- "How did I wind up with this fucking job?"
It can be maternal --"Motherfucker."

Bro,

You are damn fucking good!

[seesaw]

Frannie went to the doctor, saying she had a problem with her aviaries.

The doctor said, "Frannie, you're being silly. You mean ovaries.

Aviaries are where you find birds."

Frannie shook her head and said she meant *aviaries*.

Not prepared to argue, the doctor told her to get on the couch for an inspection.

After a quick look, he said, "Well, Frannie, you're right!

There's been a cockatoo in there."


***********

Fred and Jim are having a quiet beer one night when Fred announces that he's going to divorce his wife.

"Good grief" says Jim, "You and Sue are the happiest couple I know - why on earth would you want to divorce such a lovely woman after all these years of obvious bliss?"

"Well" replies Fred, "Truth be known I'm just bored with pokin' the same hole night after night after night. I guess I'm hankerin' for a bit of variety."

Jim: "Well if you want variety, why don't you just, you know, turn her over every now and again?"

Fred: "What - and have a house full of kids???"

[seesaw]

A notorious womanizer left a trail of broken hearts behind him, until he betrayed the wrong woman, a practicing witch. The morning after she had caught ICE-Man with another girl, he awoke with an itchy bump in the middle of his forehead. ICE-Man thought it was a pimple, but it continued to grow to ridiculous proportions throughout the day.

In a panic, ICE-Man sought the advice of a physician who examined the man and ran tests on the strange tissue. By now, the bump was three inches long, and starting to take an oddly familiar shape.

"What is this thing growing out of my head Doctor?", asked ICE-Man.

"We've run every test we know to confirm the findings," he said gravely, "but they all tell us the same thing. The bump in your forehead is developing into a fully grown penis."

"I can't believe this! Isn't there anything you can do?" pleaded a distraught ICE-Man.

"I'm afraid not. Removing it would kill you."

"I'll be a freak! No woman will come near me!" cried ICE-Man "There's more," said the Doctor. "You're going to experience vision problems."

"Will I go blind, Doc?" asked ICE-Man.

"No, you'll just have trouble seeing with testicles hanging in front of your eyes."

Little john was in his junior school class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up:
Fireman, policeman, salesman, politician, etc.

However, little john was being uncharacteristically quiet, and so the teacher asked him about his father.

Reluctantly he replied, "My Dad is an exotic dancer in a gay club, and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap room and let him shag him."

The teacher hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring and then took Little john aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father??"




"No," said john, "My father plays football for England, I was just too embarrassed to say that."

[zerosixfive]

Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car.

The only thing he said was, "F.F."

His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F."

Out on the highway, he said, "F.F."

She responded simply, "E.F."

He repeated, "F.F."

She again replied, "E.F."

"Mom! Dad!" their son yelled. "What's going on?"

Bad Bernie answered, "Your mother wants to eat first!"

[zerosixfive]

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden."

The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."

[birdie8819]

Nudist Colony Rules




A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erection.

The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, 'did you call for me?'The man replied, 'No, what do you mean?

'She said, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.

'Smiling, she led him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel, eagerly pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her.
Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted. Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him.

'Did you call for me? ' asked the hairy man.

'No, what do you mean?' replied the newcomer.

'You must be new.' answered the hairy man, 'It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spun him around, put him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer.
The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by a smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she asked.

'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.'

'But, Sir,' she replied, 'you've only been here a few hours. You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities.'

'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here!!!'

[birdie8819]

SEX WITH AN OLDER MAN


When George Burns was 97 years old he was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey, Oprah asked,' Mr. Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you? You are always working and at your age I think that is remarkable.'

Mr. Burns said, 'I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do when I do it.'

Oprah said, 'I understand you still do the sex thing, even at your age.'

George said, 'Of course I still do the sex thing, and I am quite good at it.'

Oprah said, 'I have never been with an older man, would you do it with me?'

So they had sex and when they finished Oprah said, 'I just don't believe I have ever been so satisfied, you are a remarkable man.'

George said, 'The second time is even better than the first time."

Oprah said, 'You can really do it again at your age?'

George said, 'Just let me sleep for 1/2 hour. You hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me up in thirty minutes.'

When she woke him up, they again had great sex, and Oprah was beside herself with joy.

She said, 'Oh Mr. Burns, I am astounded that you could do a repeat performance and have it be better than the first time.. At your age, Oh My, Oh My!!!'

George said that the third time would be even better. 'You just hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me in thirty minutes.'

Oprah said, 'Does me holding you like that kind of recharge your batteries?'

George said, 'No, but the last time I had sex with a black woman she stole my wallet.'

[luvpaper]

Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital,
near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them.

As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition
appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something
to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and
Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then
suddenly died.

The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that
time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that
he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred
died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before
he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure
there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read, "Please step to your left -- you're
standing on my oxygen tube!"

[luvpaper]

Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample." The old man says, "What?" So the doctor says it again. Once again the old man says, "what?" So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!" With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"

[luvpaper]

A guy is walking past a bus stop and says to a woman "Can I smell your cunt?" "Fuck off, no you can't smell my cunt!" the woman yells back at him, "Oh" he replies, looking slightly confused, "it must be your feet then".

[luvpaper]

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!".

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit".

The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina."

The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it."

So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper".

So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement, she began to moan and groan aloud, "Oh doctor, doctor!" she shouted. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself.

He then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.

The husband, at this point, suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. "Now wait a minute, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" he blasted.

The doctor, still concentrating, replied: "Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the bastard!!"

[luvpaper]

A computer programmer happens across a frog in the road. The frog pipes up, "I'm really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me, I'll stay with you for a week". The programmer shrugs his shoulders and puts the frog in his pocket.

A few minutes later, the frog says "OK, OK, if you kiss me, I'll give you great sex for a week". The programmer nods and puts the frog back in his pocket.

A few minutes later, "Turn me back into a princess and I'll give you great sex for a whole year!". The programmer smiles and walks on.

Finally, the frog says, "What's wrong with you? I've promised you great sex for a year from a beautiful princess and you won't even kiss a frog?"

"I'm a programmer," he replies. "I don't have time for sex.... But a talking frog is pretty neat."

[luvpaper]

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck.

True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the séance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you." Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?" "It's great. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time, the grass is so green and the cows have such beautiful eyes." "What do you do all day?" asked Martha. "Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m." Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?" "Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha." "Well, then, where are you?" "I'm a bull in Montana."