Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[sorini]

Cold Hands

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, “Honey, my hands are freezing!”

She says, “Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up.”

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, “Man! my hands are really freezing!”

She says again, “Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up.” He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, “Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!”

She looks at him and says, “For crying out loud, don’t your ears ever get cold?”

[sorini]

Happy and Sad

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of “mixed emotions”. The husband turned to his wife and said, “Honey, that is a bunch of crap. I bet you can’t tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.

She said: “Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick."

[sorini]

Pinching

As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Silverman became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous young blonde woman.

As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Silverman, and said, 'That will teach you to pinch!'

Bewildered, Mr. Silverman was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, 'I . . . I didn't pinch that girl.' 'Of course you didn't,' replied his wife, consolingly. 'I did.'

[sorini]

I Like The Way You Think

A teacher and a student are in a room. The teacher asks the student a question. "there are seven birds on a wire and one gets shot. How many are left?" The student replies, "there would be no birds left because the noise of the one getting shot would scare the other birds off." The teacher replied" i like the way you think." the student says, " I have a question for you. There are three women on a park bench and they all have ice cream. One women is licking the cone, the other one is shoving the whole thing in her mouth, and one is biting the cone. How do you know which one is married?" The teacher replies, " I guess the one shoving the whole cone in her mouth." The student replies, "no the one with the wedding ring but i like the way you think."

[seesaw]

Doctor Watson was told by Sherlock Holmes' gardener that there was a doubtful looking schoolgirl in Holmes' bedroom.

Watson heard strange muffled sounds coming from the bedroom and, fearing that Holmes was danger, broke down the door to find Holmes and the girl indulging in a 69.

"Good God Holmes!" said Watson, "What kind of a schoolgirl is this?"

"Elementary, my dear Watson, Elementary."

[seesaw]

There was once was this guy who developed a bad case of flatulence. The smell was quite embarrassing, but what was worse was the sound which was a loud "HONDA!"

He went to a number of doctor (of course) and non of them could help him (as is always the case in these tales). Finally out of desperation he went to an old Chinese doctor and explained his problem.

Without any examination the doctor said, "You have an abscessed tooth. Have it fixed and your problem will be solved."

So he went to a dentist, and sure, enough he did have an abscessed tooth, which he had repaired, and his "HONDA" farts went away as well.

So he went back to the Chinese doctor and said, "How did you know that I had an abscessed tooth?"

"Because", said the Chinese doctor, "everybody know that ... ... abscess make the fart go HONDA!"

[seesaw]

We all know those cute little computer symbols called smileys, where :-) means a smile and :-( is a frown.

Here are a few you might now know about but come in really handy:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_._) a flat ass

(_^_) a bubble ass

(_*_) a sore ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_O_) an ass that's been around even more

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_o^o_) a wise ass

(_13_) an unlucky ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

(_E=mc2_) A smart ass

[seesaw]

I became fully aware last night that I've been spending entirely too much time with my computer. The first clue was when I noticed that my right hand is now permanently cramped into the famous "Microsoft Mouse" position.

The second hint was a little more tragic. As I lay in bed last night looking at my wife, thinking how nice it would be to have sex with her,I rested my hand upon her breast and gently cupped it (having no choice, since my right hand is now permanently cramped).

I heard a soft moan, but moments later she relegated me back to my side of the bed.

Alas, I had double-clicked her nipple

[seesaw]

During a recent survey, women were asked...

"What would you do if you woke up and had a penis?"

Here are their actual responses...

"I would walk around and prod my husband all night long with it, whatever he is doing I'll be there prodding him with it."

"I would write my name in the snow."

"I would go into my boss' office and lay it on his desk and say: 'Where is my raise?'"

"I would find my ex-boyfriend, go to bed with him and tell him to roll over and try something new."

"I would want a big one and show it off to everyone."

"I could grab myself in public and not be embarrassed."

"I would not lift the lid on the toilet seat while peeing."

"I would measure it both ways."

"Pee off of a tall building."

"I would speed to the hospital and have it surgically removed."

"I would treat women better with it."

"I would love him, and squeeze him, and play with it all day."

"Demonstrate to my husband and my two sons that it is possible to hit the water and not pee all over everything."

"Pin my husband down and slap him in the face with it."

"I would play with it and then make him roll over into the wet spot."

"Go to an adult store and try out all kinds of stimulants to see what was the best."

"Stand up and jump up and down and watch it swing all around."

"See how many donuts I could carry with it."

"Check out my boyfriends gag reflexes!"

[Nov4]

Real Life Cybersex Disasters

bloodninja: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight?
BritneySpears14: Aight.
bloodninja: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.
BritneySpears14: I slip out of my pants, just for you, bloodninja.
bloodninja: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: Oh, I like to play dress up.
bloodninja: Me too baby.
BritneySpears14: I kiss you softly on your chest.
bloodninja: I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.
BritneySpears14: Hey...
bloodninja: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl. 8 Cock of the Infinite.
BritneySpears14: Funny I still don't see it.
bloodninja: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty F*ck of the Beyondness.
BritneySpears14: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous.
bloodninja: Don't f*ck with me bitch, I'm the mightiest sorcerer of the lands.
bloodninja: I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl. 1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl. 2 Druid.
BritneySpears14: Don't ever message me again you piece of shit.
bloodninja: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal.
bloodninja: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik's evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.
bloodninja: You still there baby? I think it's getting hard now.
bloodninja: Baby?

Yeah it was pretty sweet.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------


This one was good.

bloodninja: Ok baby, we got to hurry, I don't know how long I can keep it ready for you.
j_gurli3: thats ok. ok i'm a japanese schoolgirl, what r u.
bloodninja: A Rhinocerus. Well, hung like one, thats for sure.
j_gurli3: haha, ok lets go.
j_gurli3: i put my hand through ur hair, and kiss u on the neck.
bloodninja: I stomp the ground, and snort, to alert you that you are in my breeding territory.
j_gurli3: haha, ok, u know that turns me on.
j_gurli3: i start unbuttoning ur shirt.
bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't wear shirts.
j_gurli3: No, ur not really a Rhinocerus silly, it's just part of the game.
bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't play games. They f*cking charge your ass.
j_gurli3: stop, cmon be serious.
bloodninja: It doesn't get any more serious than a Rhinocerus about to charge your ass.
bloodninja: I stomp my feet, the dust stirs around my tough skinned feet.
j_gurli3: thats it.
bloodninja: Nostrils flaring, I lower my head. My horn, like some phallic symbol of my potent virility, is the last thing you see as skulls collide and mine remains the victor. You are now a bloody red ragdoll suspended in the air on my mighty horn.
bloodninja: Goddam am I hard now.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------


This kinda sucked.

BritneySpears14: Ok, are you ready?
eminemBNJA: Aight, yeah I'm ready.
BritneySpears14: I like your music Em... Tee hee.
eminemBNJA: huh huh, yeah, I make it for the ladies.
BritneySpears14: Mmm, we like it a lot. Let me show you.
BritneySpears14: I take off your pants, slowly, and massage your muscular physique.
eminemBNJA: Oh I like that Baby. I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: What the f*ck, I told you not to message me again.
eminemBNJA: Oh shit
BritneySpears14: I swear if you do it one more time I'm gonna report your ISP and say you were sending me kiddie porn you f*ck up.
eminemBNJA: Oh shit
eminemBNJA: damn I gotta write down your names or something


--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ew this chick was nasty. Yeeeeaah.

bloodninja: Wanna cyber?
Katie_007: Sure, you into vegetables?
bloodninja: What like gardening an shit?
Katie_007: Yeah, something like that.
bloodninja: Nothing turns me on more, check this out:
bloodninja: You bend over to harvest your radishes.
(pause)
Katie_007: is that it?
bloodninja: You water your tomato patch.
bloodninja: Are you ready for my fresh produce?
Katie_007: I was thinking of like, sexual acts INVOLVING vegetables... Can you make it a little more sexy for me?
(pause)
bloodninja: I touch you on your lettuce, you massage my spinach... sexily.
bloodninja: I ride your buttocks like they were amber waves of grains.
Katie_007: Grain doesn't really turn me on... I was thinking more along the lines of carrots and zucchinis.
bloodninja: my zucchinis carresses your carrots.
bloodninja: Damn baby you're right, this shit is HOTT.
Katie_007: ...
bloodninja: My turnips listen for the soft cry of your love. My insides turn to celery as I unleash my warm and sticky cauliflower of love.
Katie_007: What the f*ck is this madlibs? I'm outta here.
bloodninja: Yeah, well I already unleashed my cauliflower, all over your olives, and up in your eyes. Now you can't see. Bitch.
Katie_007: whatever.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Nov4]

The Long and Short of it

A man with a stuttering problem tries everything he can to stop stuttering, but he can't. Finally, he goes to a world renowned doctor for help. The doctor examines him and says, "I've found your problem. Your penis is 12 inches long. It weighs so much it is pulling on your lungs, causing you to stutter." So the man asks, "What's he cure, doctor?" To which the doctor replies, "We have to cut off 6 inches." The man thinks about it, and eager to cure his stuttering, agrees to the operation. The operation is a success, and he stops stuttering. Two months later he calls the doctor and tells him that since he had the 6 inches cut off, all of his girlfriends have dumped him, and his love life has gone down the tubes. He wants thedoctor to operate to put back the six inches. Not hearing anything on the line, he repeats himself, "Hey doc, didn't you hear me? I want my 6 inches back!" Finally, the doctor responds, "S-s-s-s-c-c-c-c-r-rrew Y-y-you!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Nov4]

Missing Soup Ladle

Karl invited his mother over for dinner. During
the meal, his mother eyed his beautiful roommate,
suspicious that there was more than just a "roommate"
situation going on.

Karl saw her staring at Ellen. "I know what you're
thinking, mom, but Ellen and I are just friends."
A week later, Ellen said, "Karl, ever since your
mother came to dinner, I can't find the silver soup
ladle. Surely she wouldn't have taken it, would she?"
"I really don't think so," Karl replied. "I'll write
her a letter to ask, though." He got a sheet of paper,
sat down, and wrote, "Dear Mom, I'm not saying you took
our silver soup ladle, and I'm not saying you didn't
take it. But our soup ladle has been missing ever since
you came to dinner."

A few days later, he received a reply from his mother.

"Dear son, I'm not saying that you're sleeping with
Ellen, and I'm not saying that you're not sleeping with
Ellen. But if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would
have found the soup ladle by now. Love, Mom."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Nov4]

Walking On Water


Three clergymen were sitting in a boat, fishing.
"I'm thirsty," said the first. "I'm gonna go get myself a Coke." So he got out of the boat, walked across the water, and came back with his Coke.
"Ooh, that looks good," said the second and got out of the boat. He walked across the water, got his Coke, and came back.
"You're right," said the third. "I think I'll get one too." He steps out of the boat and sinks like a rock.
"Hey," said the first clergyman to the second, "should we tell him where the rocks are?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Nov4]

A Man's Logic


A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child. The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first. She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and apart of me." The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question. The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to me or the machine"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Nov4]

She Says, He Hears


What a woman says:
This place is a mess! C'mon, you and I need to clean up. Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear if we don't do laundry right now!

What a man hears:
Blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON, blah, blah, YOU AND I, blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR, blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES, blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW

--------------------------------------------------------------------------