Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Nov4]

Man Of The House


The husband had just finished reading the book Man of the House.

He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a
finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am
the man of this house, and my word is law!" I want you to prepare me a
gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a
sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me
my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's
going to dress me and comb my hair?

His wife replied, "The fucking funeral director."

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[Nov4]

Swearing


A 6 year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what "says the 6-year old," I think it's about time we start cussing. " The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say "hell" and you say "ass" "ok" The 4-year-old agrees with enthusiasm.

Their Mother walked into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. 'aw hell, Mom I guess I'll have some Cheerios. "WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his Mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step of the way. The Mom put him in his room and shouts "you can stay there till I let you out"

The Mom then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "and what do you want for breakfast young man?" " I don't know," he blubbers, " but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios."


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[Nov4]

Retirement Bonus


The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus.

They promised any general who retired immediately his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.

The first general was from the Air Force. He asked the pension clerk to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000.

The second man, an Army general, asked the pension clerk to measure from the tip of his up-stretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.

The third general was a grizzled old Marine from Texas. He told the pension man "Son, I want you to measure from the tip of my penis all the way to my testicles."

The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received.

The Marine general insisted "No sir, you heard right. Go ahead and measure".

The pension expert said that would be OK, but that he'd better get a medical officer to do the measuring.

The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back.

"My God!" he said, "where are your testicles?"

"Vietnam," the general replied.


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[Nov4]

Don't Mess With Oldies


A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her
faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles
discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading
rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some
bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the
bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to
leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard!
I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of
terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the
leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby
tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him
heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must
be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and
strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here,
monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving
canine!"

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and
thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits
down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet,
and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says, "Where's
that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Moral of this story..

Don't mess with old farts...


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[Nov4]

Stop Or Slow Down ?


A Lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a
Sheriffs Deputy.He thinks that he is smarter than the
Deputy because he is sure that he has a better
education. He decides to prove this to himself and
have some fun at the deputy's expense.

Deputy says, "License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at
the stop sign."

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete
stop. License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a
complete stop, that's the law. License and
registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference
between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license
and registration and you give me the ticket, if not
you let me go and no ticket."

Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the Deputy takes out his nightstick and
starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the Lawyer
and says: "DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN?"


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[Nov4]

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS



A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton
balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, " You see, it's like this,
yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes,
and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling
papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.


So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.


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[Toastmaster]

Giving Up Wine

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me..

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.

'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

[Toastmaster]

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him.

Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?

George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge!

(silence)

Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.

Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?

[Toastmaster]

The Funniest Bumper Stickers EVER!

We all love reading those funny stickers that people place on their bumpers. Not only do they entertain us, but they actually do bring life into perspective. The following list details 50 of the funniest bumper stickers ever! Whether you want a good laugh, or simply want to tick off other people, these can prove to be especially helpful!


1. “The good thing about schizophrenia is you never run out of people to talk to.”

2. “Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them”

3. “Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege”

4. “Don’t steal. The government hates competition.”

5. “Gun Control means using BOTH HANDS”

6. “Born Free But I’m Higher Priced Now”

7. “Even though this is a stupid sticker you’re squinting to read it”

8. “I don’t SUFFER from insanity; I enjoy EVERY MINUTE of it!”

9. “If you can’t live without me, how come you’re not dead?”

10. “Women love exclamation points!!! (But they HATE periods)”

11. “I’m NOT mooning you – I’m turning the other cheek!”

12. “Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken!”

13. “Out of my mind. (Be Back in 5 Minutes)”

14. “I had a life, but my job ate it”

15. “If you’re close enough to read this, you just violated your restraining order”

16. “Don’t worry what people think, they don’t do it very often”.

17. “Cows come and go, but BULL lasts forever”

18. “I don’t discriminate, I hate everybody!”

19. “Laugh at your problems, everyone else does”

20. “Like what you see? Dial 1-800-YOU-WISH”

21. “My attitude...YOUR PROBLEM!”

22. “My road to success is under construction”

23. I’m having an out-of-money experience”

24. “If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I’ll put shoes on my DOG!”

25. “It’s called tourist season – so, why can’t we shoot ‘em?”

26. “Attention Employees! The beatings will continue until morale improves”.

27. “BACK OFF! I’m a Postal Worker”

28. “Do I mind of you smoke? Do YOU mind if I fart?”

29. “Women are great leaders – you’re following one now”

30. “God created man first: You need a rough draft before a Masterpiece”

31. “Wife and Dog Missing: Reward for Dog”

32. “Marriage is Grand. Divorce is 100 Grand”

33. “I’m the boss. My wife said I could be”

34. “The 10 Commandments are NOT multiple choice”

35. “Stop Repeat Offenders, DON’T RE-ELECT THEM!”

36. “Guns don’t kill people, drivers with cell phones do!”

37. “Keep Honking, I’m Reloading”

38. “Driver carries NO cash – He’s Married!”

39. “Got chocolate?”

40. “I’m not gaining weight, I’m retaining food!”

41. “Road Rage Next 10 Miles”

42. “Your Kid’s an honor student, but you’re a moron!”

43. “I don’t need kids, I married one!”

44. “Embarrassing my children is a full-time occupation!”

45. “I child-proofed my house, but they STILL get in!”

46. “You don’t work full time till you’re a mom!”

47. “Can you fix my husband? He says he’s broke!”

48. “Be nice to America or we’ll bring democracy to your country!”

49. “Give me coffee, and no one gets hurt”

50. “I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person!”

[Toastmaster]

Funny Laws!

Now, we have all sometimes wondered who came up with one law or another. However, there are many laws in place that are just outright funny! In this article, I am going to introduce you to some of the funniest laws that I have ran across. If you are looking for a good laugh, you will thoroughly enjoy the following list of sample laws I have discovered!

1. Did you know in Alabama, it is illegal to have a match where you wrestle a bear? Oh yeah, a real live bear! I am not too sure about you, but I have no plans to wrestle a bear any time soon!

2. Now, I am not too sure on who would actually take the time to sprinkle salt on railroad tracks, but if this act is committed in Alabama, an individual used to be in a position where they had to face the possibility of punishment by death! Talk about salt being dangerous to your health!

3. You know all those fences in Wyoming? Well, did you know that not properly closing one is illegal? That’s right! You can even receive a fine of nearly $1,000.00 for this act!

4. Here is an interesting law for you. This law comes out of the State of Alaska. You know all of those people who own flamingos in Alaska? Well, I do not know of any, but those people are not to bring their pet into the various barber shops in the area. If they do so, this is considered to be illegal and they may face prosecution.

5. Georgia is really big on protecting what the dead hear. Did you know that if you are in the presence of a dead body it is against the law to use any type of profanity? Yes, that’s right! You could be given massive fines or even jail time for doing this!

6. Did you know that there is a dress code when visiting the parks in Maryland? Yes, there sure is! You are not permitted to go into any park that is considered to be public if you are wearing a shirt that is sleeveless! If you do, you can face charges from law enforcement officials.

7. Speaking of Maryland, don’t even THINK about taking any pet lions to the movies with you. You may not realize it, but this is also against the law!

8. A lot of guys may decide to go to New York REAL soon! You know why? Women are now allowed to walk around topless! There is one catch though! The female can’t be conducting a business that is associated with her nudity. I know a few guys that would tip pretty well for that, though!

9. Did you know that most of the buildings in the State of Florida are breaking the law? Pretty hard to believe, huh? You want to know how? By not having the doors of the public buildings to all open in an outward manner!

10. Now, you know all those Floridians that have pet elephants? I have some really bad news for them! If they tie their elephants near a metered parking area, they still have to pay the fines! It is pretty amazing to me that elephants are considered motor vehicles – or, hey, maybe prolonged exposure to the sun really IS harmful! (To the brain, that is!)

[Toastmaster]

Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is rudely awoken at

4am by the telephone.


"Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this

hour but there is an emergency! I`ve just received word thet the

Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is

istimated thet the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be

gone by the ind of the week."



PM: "Shut - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all those

unwanted babies - wi`ll be ruined!"



Hilth Munister: "We`re going to hef to shup some in from abroad...

Brutain?..."



PM: "No chence!! The Poms will have a field day on thus one!"



Hilth Munister: "What about

Australia?"



PM: "Maybe - but we don`t want them to know thet we are stuck."



Hilth Munister: "You call John Howard - tell hum we need one

moollion condoms; ten enches long and eight enches thuck! That way

they`ll know how bug the Kiwis really are!!"



Helen calls John, who agrees to help the Kiwis

out in their hour of

need.


Three days later a van arrives in Auckland - full of boxes.



A delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes. She finds

condoms; 10 unches long; 8 unches thuck, all coloured green and

gold. She then notices in small writing on each and ivery

one.........



MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE : MEDIUM


Ozzie Ozzie Ozzie .... Oy Oy Oy

[Toastmaster]

A husband is at home watching a
football game when his wife interrupts,

honey,
could you fix the light in the hallway?
It`s been flickering for weeks now.

He looks at her and says angrily,
fix the lights now?
Does it look like i have
ge written on my forehead?
I don`t think so.

Fine,

then the wife asks,
well then, could you fix the fridge door?
It won`t close right

to which he replied,
fix the fridge door?
Does it look like i have westinghouse
written on my forehead?
I don`t think so

fine, she says
then you could at least fix the steps
to the front door?
They are about to break

i`m not a carpenter and i don`t
want to fix steps
he says, does it look like i have
ace hardware written on my forehead?
I don`t think so
i`ve had enough of you.
I`m going to the bar!!!!

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a
couple of hours.............

He starts to feel guilty about how
he treated his wife, and decides
to go home

as he walks into the house he notices
that the steps are already fixed.

As he enters the house , he sees the
hall light is working

as he goes to get a beer, he notices
the fridge door is fixed.

Honey, he asks, how`d all this get fixed?
She said, well, when you left i sat
outside and cried.

Just then a nice young man asked me
what was wrong, and i told him.

He offered to do all the repairs, and
all i had to do was either
go to bed with him or bake a cake.

He said,
so what kind of cake did you bake?

She replied,
hellooooo..
Do you see sara lee written
on my forehead?
I don`t think so!

[Toastmaster]

You got to love this guy... This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University . It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it.

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.

After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.


He especially wanted to thank the bride`s and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.

As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him.

So taped to the bottom of everyone`s chair, including the wedding party was an envelope.

He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.
Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.

The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.

After just standing there, just watching the guests` reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, `F---you!` Then he turned to his bride and said, `F--- you!`

Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, `I`m outta here.`

He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.

While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong..

His revenge--making the bride`s parents pay over $32,000 for a 300-guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride`s and best man`s reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.

This guy has balls the size of church bells.

Do you think we might get a MasterCard `priceless` commercial out of this?

Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends: $32,000.

Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion: $3,000

Deluxe two-week honeymoon accommodations in Maui : $8,500.

The look on everyone`s face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man: Priceless.

There are some things money can`t buy, for everything else there`s MASTERCARD

A Mastercard Wedding
`Life isn`t like a bowl of cherries or peaches, it`s more like a jar of Jalapenos--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.....

[Toastmaster]

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following.

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time".

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine!" retorted the lady indignantly.

"In this country...we don`t speak aloud in public places about our sex lives."

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin` abouta sexa? I`m justa tellin` my frinda how to spella `Mississippi`."

[Nov4]

Dear Mom....

A Mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.

Then she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to Mom. With the worst premonition she opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Mom,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...... Mom, she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Mom. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,
Your Son John

P.S. Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home

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