Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[boisong1]

Making Love to a Woman
MAKING COFFEE
Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir.. gently, and firmly.

You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.

LAYING A CARPET
Laying a carpet is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail her, then walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.

HANGING WALLPAPER
Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.

PUTTING UP A TENT
Putting up a tent, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an'.. slip in to the old bag.

WASHING A CAR
Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.

BEING IN THERAPY
And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You.. get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.

BEING IN A CRASH
Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.

GOING FISHING
Going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied.

Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.

[boisong1]

God's Gifts
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.

"It’s a very handy thing" God told the couple, "and I was wondering if either one of you wanted that abilty."

Adam jumped up and blurted "Oh, give that to me! I’d love to be able to do that. It seems the sort of thing a man would do. Please give me that ability. It’d be so great. When I’m working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let fly. It’d be sooo cool. I could write my name in the sand. Please, God, let it be me you give the gift to, let me stand to pee, oh please."

Eve just smiled and said that if Adam really wanted that so bad that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make Adam really happy, and she didn’t mind if Adam were the one to get this ability. Adam was happy, and proceeded to wash down the bark of the nearest tree, laughing with glee all the while.

"Fine", God said, looking back into his bag of leftovers. "What’s left here?" "Oh, yes. Multiple orgasms."

[boisong1]

First Visit
The young blonde bride made her first appointment with a gynecologist and told him that she and her husband wished to start a family.

"We've been trying for months now, doctor, and I don't seem to be able to get pregnant," she confessed miserably.

"I'm sure we´ll solve your problem," the doctor reassured her.

"If you'll just take off your clothes and get up on the examining table."

"Well, all right, doctor," agreed the young woman, blushing, "but I'd rather have my husband's baby.

[boisong1]

10 Ways to Know You've Had Good Sex
1. Your mattress has turned into a giant sponge.

2. It takes five minutes to unknot your bodies.

3. An earthquake of 3.4 on the Richter Scale is recorded in your area.

4. The cat's exhausted from just watching you.

5. A trampoline company has to come to adjust your bed springs.

6 You've both gone down one clothing size.

7. You cancel your chiropractic appointment. There's nothing left to adjust.

8. You have to breathe into a brown paper bag.

9. Boy, are you hungry!

10. You're absolutely satisfied yet uncontrollably horny at the same time.

[boisong1]

A Favor
I know I haven't known you very long and I shouldn't be asking you for this so soon, but I really need it badly.

I haven't had it for a while and I can already feel it going in good and hard and coming out nice and soft.

If you would do this for me no one would ever know.

I am sure you can satisfy my needs and I'd be very grateful if you would.

I am very desperate and I need your help.

You must think by now that I have a lot of nerve but I can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking out all the juices until it's very dry.

I am not going to beat around the bush any longer so..

Do you have a piece of gum?

[boisong1]

Who's This Guy

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

[boisong1]

Easily Explained

A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the past six months.

The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is.

The following day, the wife goes to the doctor's office. The doctor asks her what's wrong, why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband?

"Oh, that's easily explained. For the past six months," the wife says, "I've been taking a cab to work every morning. I don't have any money. The cab driver asks me, 'Are you going to pay today, or what?' So, I take an 'or what'."

"Then, when I get to work," she continues, "I'm late, so the boss asks me, 'Are we going to write this down in the book, or what?' So, I take an 'or what'.

I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, 'So, are you going to pay this time, or what?' Again, I take an 'or what'.

So you see, doc, by the time I get home I'm all tired out and don't want it anymore."

"Yes, I see," replies the doctor. "So, are we going to tell your husband, or what?"

[boisong1]

The geography of a woman

Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.

After 70, they become Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

[boisong1]

Glad to be drunk

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

[programmer]

A couple with a child decides to divorce...

The judge asks the child: do you want to live with your mum??

The child says: "No she beats me"...

The judge then asks him: "Do u want to live with your dad??"

He says: "no he beats me"...

The judge says "who do u want to live with then???!"

The child answers: "the French soccer team: they can't beat anyone!"

[programmer]

A naked and drunken woman boards a taxi in London one night.

The taxi driver keeps staring, and does not start the taxi.

Woman: “Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?”

Taxi Driver: “I’m not staring at you lady.......!

Just wondering where you have kept the money to pay me!!"

[Cum_Luver]

Bus Driver's Parents

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull."

The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, "If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant."

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, "What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!"

The kid smiles and says, "I would be a bus driver!"

[Cum_Luver]

Why Studying Is Better Than Sex

1. If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask your roommate for help.

2. You don't have to put your beer down to do it.

3. You don't get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.

4. You can do it, eat and watch T.V. all at the same time.

5. If you don't finish a chapter you won't gain a reputation as a "book teaser."

6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.

7. When you open a book, you don't have to worry about who else has opened it.

8. You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame.

9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you left off.

10. You can usually find someone to do it with.

[Cum_Luver]

An Hour of Pleasure

The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality.

"We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"

A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"

[Cum_Luver]

How Many Women

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.

"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"

"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".

Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.."