Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[soundlab]

In the 80s a boy in Liverpool, Uk, fainted in the crowded tube. By
chance local hero and football player Alan Ball and his father Alan
Ball Sr happen to be around. They carried the boy to safety.
Next day the Merseyside newspaper headline read: Boy Pulled Out of
Train Station By The Balls.

[soundlab]

A captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost.
On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel
tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the sergeant
leading the tour, ‘What's the camel for?’
The sergeant replied, ‘Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and
the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the
camel.’ The captain said, ‘Well, if it's good for morale, then I
guess it's all right with me.’
After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the captain could
not stand it anymore, so he told his sergeant, ‘BRING IN THE
CAMEL!!!’ The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the
captain's quarters. The captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have
vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the
stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the sergeant, ‘Is that how
the enlisted men do it?’
The sergeant replied, ‘Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into
town.’

[soundlab]

Two elderly ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke,
when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut
off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
The lady asked, "What's that? ""
""A condom,"" the other lady responded. ""This way my cigarette
doesn't get wet. ""
""Where did you get it? "" the other lady asked.
""You can get them at any drugstore. ""
The next day, the first lady hobbled herself down to the local
drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wants a box of
condoms. The guy looked at her kind of strangely (she is, after all,
over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.
""It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel. ""
The pharmacist fainted."

[thirsty]

Originally Posted by Lionel Messi

The Chicken

Why did the chicken cross the road?:

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDP A: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?

IMMANUEL KANT: The chicken was acting out of a sense of duty to cross the road, as chickens have traditionally crossed roads throughout history.

THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. I don't know any chickens. I have never known any chickens.

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD ? (almost local version)

Kindergarten teacher : To get to the other side.

Aristotle : It's the nature of chickens to cross the road.

Philip Yeo : The chickens have a MORAL responsibility to cross the road. If they don't, we'll name them.

Lee Kuan Yew : Every chicken should be given the opportunity to realize its full potential to cross the road. The brightest chickens should lead.

Deng Xiao Ping:A chicken that crosses the road is a good chicken regardless of whether it is a black or white chicken.

Bill Gates : I have just released the new Chicken2000 Office which will not only cross the roads but lay eggs, file your documents and balance your cheque book.

Mahatma Gandhi: It's a non-violent way for the chickens to gain freedom and independence.

Freud : The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveal your underlying sexual insecurity.

Dr Richard Hu : DON'T PANIC. We'll monitor the situation and start worrying if the chickens get run down while crossing the road.

Admiral Teo Chee Hean: We'll teach the chickens to think for themselves, how to cross the road in the most effective way.

Mah Bow Tan : The chickens must install the In Vehicle Unit before they use the roads.

BG George Yeo : In this age of information and technology, it is inevitable that the chickens get to cross the road.

Sim Wong Hoo : Don't give up if at first you fail. The chickens should think of creative ways to cross the road.

Lee Kong Chian: The chicken crossed the road because there are plenty of worms on the other side and it should help as many chickens as possible to cross the road.

Buddha : The chicken should cultivate good karma so that it can cross to the other side of the road safely. If it gets run down, this is due to bad karma and should try again in the next reincarnation.

Bill Clinton : I've met so many chicks. I can't remember.

Mao Zhe Dong : Whichever chicken that reaches the other side of the road first will be sent to the labour camp.

Mahathir : We should let our own ethnic chickens which are slower cross the road first.

Shakespeare : All the world's a stage for the chickens to cross the road.

[aLinux]

A woman phoned her dentist when she received a hugh bill. "I am shocked !" she complained. "This is three times what you normally charged."
"Yes,I know" said the dentist. "But you yelled so loud, you scared away two other patients."

[aLinux]

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn’t seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll she came upon a gentlemen neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentlemen, “What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?”

The gentlemen responded, “Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much.”

Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the woman, “By the way, How did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?”

“No” she replied, “but my cucumbers are enormous.”

[aLinux]

A woman who was beaten black and blue, went to the doctor.

Doctor: What happened?”

Woman: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk, he beats me to a pulp.”

Doctor: “I have a real good medicine for that. Whenever your husband comes home inebriated, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it.Just gargle and gargle.”

Two weeks later she returns to the doctor,and looks reborn and fresh again.

Woman: “Doc, That was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I gargled with chamomile tea and gargled and nothing happened.”

Doctor: “You see how keeping your mouth shut helps!”

[A Red Devils]

The ardent lover heard the clock strike the hours--first nine, then ten, then eleven. At the sound of twelve strokes, he burst forth passionately:

"How fleet are the hours in your presence, my beloved!"

"Don't be silly!" the girl chided. "That's pa setting the clock."

[A Red Devils]

Marge was in bed with a man (not her husband). All of a sudden, they heard a noise downstairs.

"Oh, my gosh, your husband is home! What am I going to do?"

"Just stay in bed with me. He's probably so drunk he isn't going to notice you here with me."

The fear of getting caught trying to escape was more powerful than the thought of getting caught in bed with marge, so he trusted her advice. Sure enough Marge's husband came crawling into bed and as he pulled the covers over him, he pulled the blankets, exposing six feet.

"Honey!" he yelled. "What is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed!"

"Dear, you're so drunk, you can't count. If you don't believe me, count them again."

The husband got out of bed, and counted, "One, two, three, and four...By gosh, you're right, dear!"

[A Red Devils]

A four-year-old boy asked his friend what a penis was.

His friend's response was that he did not know and he would ask his dad.

That evening the second boy asked his dad. His dad gladly exposed himself to his son and with his penis in hand said, "Son this is a penis. In fact, if you take a good look you will see this is a perfect penis."

The next day the second five year old boy met the first five year old boy and called him behind a hedge.

The boy exposed himself and said, "This is a penis. In fact, if it were three inches shorter it would be a perfect penis!"

[A Red Devils]

A man enters the hospital for a circumcision. When he comes to after the procedure, he's perturbed to see several doctors standing around his bed.

"Son, there's been a bit of a mix-up," admits the surgeon. "I'm afraid there was an accident, and we were forced to perform a sex-change operation. You now have a vagina instead of a penis."

"What?" gasps the patient. "You mean I'll never experience another erection?"

"Oh, you might," the surgeon reassures him. "Just not yours."

[A Red Devils]

A 55-year-old man who was born on May 5, has been married 5 years, has 5 children, makes $55,555.55 a year, and whose lucky number is 5, receives a phone call from a friend.

The friend informs the man that a horse named Lucky 5 will be running in the fifth race at the local track that evening.

Excitedly, the man withdraws $5,555.00 cash from his bank account, goes to the races and bets on Lucky 5 to win.

Sure enough, the horse comes in fifth.

[A Red Devils]

Coming to a river with which he was unfamiliar, a traveller asked a youngster if it was deep.

"No," replied the boy, and the rider started to cross, but soon found that he and his horse had to swim for their lives.

When the traveller reached the other side he turned and shouted: "I thought you said it wasn't deep?"

"It isn't," was the reply; "it only takes grandfather's ducks up to their middles!"

[walle]

一男入厕，刚把门关上就听隔壁问：“你来了？”
　　他说：“是啊。”
　　可心里想，这隔壁是谁啊？我认识他吗？奇怪！
　　这时隔壁又问：“你来干吗啊？”
　　他生气的说：“拉屎啊！来这能干吗？！”
　　隔壁又问：“那你什么时候走啊？”
　　他想这人是有神经病！懊恼的说：“拉完就走！！”
　　这时隔壁又问：“那一会你来我这里一下吧，好吗？”
　　此人心里一惊：“靠！原来是同性恋！”
　　他大骂道：“你**去死吧，变态！”
　　隔壁又说：“恩，先挂了吧，一会再给你打过去，我旁边来了个傻Ｂ！我说一句他接一句

:d

[Cum_Luver]

For weeks, a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.
One day, the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child.
The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment.
Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.
The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"
Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"