Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[VirtualGuy]

A man and his wife are doing yard work. Husband says to wife, "Your butt is as wide as the grill." She ignores the remark.
A little later the husband takes his measuring tape and goes over to his wife while she is bending over working in a flower bed. He measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, it IS as wide as the grill!"
Later that night while in bed her husband starts to feel frisky. She calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you ARE mistaken."

[VirtualGuy]

A woman goes into a restaurant in a small southern town out in the country. She orders the fried chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast, she chokes on a chicken bone.

Well, these two country boys in the next booth notice she is choking, and they get up and go over to help her. The first country boy drops his coveralls and bends over, and the second country boy starts licking his asshole.

She pukes all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. The country boy pulls his coveralls back up and says to the other excitedly, "You're right Billy Bob, that Hind-Lick Maneuver works like a charm."

[birdie8819]

A man went to a French restaurant. The menu was in French and he spoke no French. When the waiter asked his choice, he told the waiter to bring out the restaurant's specialty.

The man had a truly fantastic meal.

The waiter asked if the man wanted dessert. He responded that the waiter should bring out the restaurant's specialty.

The waiter that it was the peach poosay, and he would order it for him.

A short time later, a waitress came out with a covered silver platter. She took the cover off and there was a peach that had been quartered and pitted.

The waitress proceeded to raise her skirt and take a piece of the peach and push it in and out of her vagina!

She then picked up the rest of the pieces and did the same thing with them.

The man called the waiter over an asked, "Am I actually expected to eat the peach after that?"

The waiter responded, "Why, no, Monsieur. You eat the poosay."

[Roman city]

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.” The rancher says, “Okay, but do not go in that field over there,” as he points out the location. The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. “See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?”

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher’s big Santa Gertrudis bull! With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he’ll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs… “Your badge. Show him your BADGE!”

[~oyster~]

A little boy asked his father

Rimshot by JustJoking.comA little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

[~oyster~]

During a heated spat over finances the husband said

Rimshot by JustJoking.comDuring a heated spat over finances the husband said, "Well, if you'd learn to cook and were willing to clean this place, we could fire the maid."

The wife, fuming, shot back, "Oh yeah??? Well, if you'd learn how to make love, we could fire the chauffeur and the gardener."

[~oyster~]

The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?" she asks.

"Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

[~oyster~]

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."

She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

[~oyster~]

SOME IMPORTANT THEOLOGICAL QUESTIONS ARE ANSWERED
IF WE THINK OF GOD AS A COMPUTER PROGRAMMER.

Q: Does God control everything that happens in my
life?
A: He could, if he used the debugger, but it's
tedious to step through all those variables.

Q: Why does God allow evil to happen?
A: God thought he eliminated evil in one of the
earlier revs.

Q: Does God know everything?
A: He likes to think so, but he is often amazed to
find out what goes on in the overnight job.

Q: What causes God to intervene in earthly
affairs?
A: If a critical error occurs, the system pages
him automatically and he logs on from home to try
to bring it up. Otherwise things can wait until
tomorrow.

Q: Did God really create the world in seven days?
A: He did it in six days and nights while living
on cola and candy bars. On the seventh day he went
home and found out his girlfriend had left him.

Q: How come the Age of Miracles Ended?
A: That was the development phase of the project,
now we are in the maintenance phase.

Q: Will there be another Universe after the Big
Bang?
A: A lot of people are drawing things on the white
board, but doubt that it will ever be implemented.

Q: Who is Satan?
A: Satan is an MIS director who takes credit for
more powers than he actually possesses, so people
who aren't programmers are scared of him. God
thinks of him as irritating but irrelevant.

Q: What is the role of sinners?
A: Sinners are the people who find new and
imaginative ways to mess up the system when God
has made it idiot-proof.

Q: Where will I go after I die?
A: Onto a backup tape.

Q: Will I be reincarnated?
A: Not unless there is a special need to recreate
you. And searching backup files is a major hassle,
so if there is a request for you, God will just
say that the tape has been lost.

Q: Am I unique and special in the universe?
A: There are over 10,000 major university and
corporate sites running exact duplicates of you in
the present release version.

Q: What is the purpose of the universe?
A: God created it because he values elegance and
simplicity, but then the users and managers
demanded he tack senseless features onto it and
now everything is more complicated and expensive
than ever.

Q: If I pray to God, will he listen?
A: You can waste his time telling him what to do,
or you can just get off his back and let him
program.

Q: What is the one true religion?
A: All systems have their advantages and
disadvantages, so just pick the one that best
suits your needs and don't let anyone put you
down.

Q: How can I protect myself from evil?
A: Change your password every month and don't make
it a name, a common word, or a date like your
birthday.

Q: Some people claim they hear the voice of God.
Is this true?
A: They are much more likely to receive e-mail.

Q: Some people say God is Love.
A: That is not a question. Please restate your
query in the form of a question. Abort, Retry,
Fail?

[PeaceNoWar]

A guy is on a date with this girl, so he takes her to Lover's Lane. When they get up there, she says, "I have to be honest with you, I'm a hooker." The guy thinks about this for a short time and says it's okay. He agrees to pay her $25 and they start having sex.

After they finish, the guy says, "I have to be honest with you now. I'm a cab driver and it'll cost you $25 for me to drive you back into town."

[PeaceNoWar]

Bad Wish

Two guys are in a locker room after their racquetball game when one guy notices the other has a cork in his buttock. "If you don't mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks terribly uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?"

"I can't," lamented the first man. "It's permanent."

"I don't understand," said the other.

The first guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge man in a turban came oozing out.

He said, "I am Hasan the Genie. I can grant you one wish." And I said, "No sh*t."

[PeaceNoWar]

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant.

"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I`ve been trying to do that for years!"

[PeaceNoWar]

A lady goes to the doctor and complains her husband is losing interest in sex.

He gives her a pill but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it in his mashed potatoes at dinner. At dinner that night, she does just that.

About a week later she's back at the doctor and tells him, "The pill worked great! I put it in his mashed potatoes like you said.

It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, pushed all the food and dishes to the floor, grabbed me, ripped off all my clothes and ravaged me right there on the table."

The doctor says, "Oh dear -- I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill
was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."

The lady replied, "That's very kind - but I don't think the restaurant will let us back in anyway."

[PeaceNoWar]

Girls Night Out

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

[Roman city]

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. The wife was upset to say the least.

“You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me! A faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce!”

The husband replied, “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.” “Fine, go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!”

The husband began “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you were afraid you’d put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but never wore because you say they were too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you didn’t wear because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you refused to wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and wouldn’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.”

The husband took a quick breath and continued “She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, “Please… do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”