Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[~oyster~]

Men Jokes

What do you call a man with half a brain?

Gifted.

What''s the difference between government bonds and men?

Bonds Mature.

What is the difference between a man and a catfish?

One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.

What did god say after creating man?

I can do better.

Husband: Want a quickie?

Wife: As opposed to what?

I went to the County Fair. They had one of those "Believe it or not?" Shows. They had a man born with a penis and a brain.

What do you have whan you have two little balls in your hand?

A man''s undivided attention.

What are two reasons why men don''t mind their own business?

1. No mind.

2. No business.

Did you hear about the banker who''s a great lover?

He knows first-hand the penalty for early withdrawal.

Why are men like laxatives?

They irritate the shit out of you.

What do you call an intelligent man in America?

A tourist.

Why do jocks play on artificial turf?

To keep them from grazing.

If men got pregnant....

abortions would be available in convienience stores and drive through windows.

Why do men name their penises?

Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.

Why do men like masturbation?

Its sex with someone they love.

How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?

Two ways to cross a river.

What is gross stupidity?

144 men in one room.

How many men does it take to pop popcorn?

Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove.

What is a man''s view of safe sex?

A padded headboard.

How do men sort their laundry?

"Fifthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".

Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.

Why did god create man?

Because a vibrator can''t mow the lawn.

Why were men given larger brains than dogs?

So they wouldn''t hump women''s legs at cocktail parties.

[~oyster~]

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:

Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her....


HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:

Show up naked,
Bring beer....

[~oyster~]

Q: Why do women fake orgasms?

A: They think we care.

[~oyster~]

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

We need = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about??

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive

How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead


MEN'S ENGLISH:

I'm hungry = I'm hungry

I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy

I'm tired = I'm tired

Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you

What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question

I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?

I love you = Let's have sex now

I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!

Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me

Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys

I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together = I am gay

[~oyster~]

Who's Boss?

When the Lord made man, all the parts of the body argued over who would be boss.

The brain explained that since he controlled all the parts of the body, he should be boss.

The legs argued that since they took man wherever he wanted to go, he should be boss.

The stomach countered with the explanation that since he digested all the food, he should be boss.

The eyes said that without them, man would be helpless, so he should be boss.

Then the ass hole applied for the job...

The other parts of the body laughed so hard that the ass hole became mad and closed up.

After a few days, the brain went foggy, the legs got wobbly, the stomach was ill, the eyes got crossed and unable to see.

They all conceded and made the ass hole boss.

This proves that you don't have to be a brain to be a boss. Just an asshole.

[Roman city]

One day a single mother was in the grocery store with her 4 kids. They were acting up. Bad little kids. They were running around grabbing items off the shelves crying and screaming all over the place. The mother grabbed all and said “I should have swallowed all of you!”

[PeaceNoWar]

A blonde walks into a electronic store and asks the manager, "Can I buy that TV"
"No"
"Why not?"
"Because your a blonde."
So the blonde goes out and dyes her hair red. She returned to the electronic store and said, "Can I buy that TV?"
"No"
"Why not?"
"Your a blonde."
So the blonde goes and shaves her hair off and returns to the electronic store and says, "Can I buy that TV?"
"No"
"Why not?"
"You're a blonde"
"How can you tell I'm a blonde, I dyed my hair red, then shaved it off!"
"Because that's not a TV, that's a microwave!"

[PeaceNoWar]

sorry this joke is bit long.

Big Dick

There are many ways to describe just how well endowed you are, for example...

My dick is so big, its a tight fit when I'm bangin' your loose momma!

My dick is so big, there's still snow on it in the summertime.

My dick is so big, I went to The Viper Room and my dick got right in. I had to stand and argue with the doorman.

My dick is so big, I have to call it Mr. Dick in front of company.

My dick is so big, it won't return Spielberg's calls.

My dick is so big, it graduated a year ahead of me from high school.

My dick has an elevator and a lobby.

My dick has better credit than I do.

My dick is so big, clowns climb out of it when I cum.

My dick is so big, it was overthrown by a military coup. It's now known as the Democratic Republic of My Dick.

My dick is so big, it has casters.

My dick is so big, I'm already fucking a girl tomorrow.

My dick is so big, ships use it to find their way into the harbour.

My dick is so big, there was once a movie called Godzilla vs. My Dick.

My dick is so big, it lives next door.

My dick is so big, I entered it in a big-dick contest and it came in first, second, and third.

My dick is so big, it votes.

My dick is a better dresser than I am.

My dick is so big, it has a three-picture deal.

My dick is so big that the head of it has only seen my balls in pictures.

My dick is so big, Henry Aaron used it to hit his 750th home run.

My dick is the Walrus, koo koo ga joob.

No matter where I go, my dick always gets there first.

My dick takes longer lunches than I do.

My dick contributed fifty thousand dollars to the Democratic National Committee.

My dick was once the ambassador to China.

My dick is so big, it's gone condo.

My dick was almost drafted by the Cleveland Browns, but Art Modell didn't want a bigger dick than himself.

My dick is so big, I use the Eiffel Tower as a French tickler.

It's so big, when it rains the head of my dick doesn't get wet.

My dick is so big, I could wear it as a tie if I wasn't so afraid of getting a hard-on and killing myself.

My dick is so big, I have to use an elastic zipper.

My dick is so big, it has feet.

My dick is so big, a homeless family lives underneath it.

My dick is so big, it takes four fat women and a team of Clydesdales to jack me off.

My dick is so big, my mother was in labor for three extra days.

My dick is so big, they use the bullet train to test my condoms.

My dick is so big, it has investors.

My dick is so big, it seats six.

My dick is so big, I use a hula hoop as a cock ring.

My dick is so big, we use it at parties as a limbo pole.

My dick is so big, King Kong is going to crawl up it in the next remake.

My dick is so big, it has an opening act.

My dick is so big I can fuck an elevator shaft.

My dick is so big, it has its own Wheaties box.

My dick is so big, I have to cook it breakfast in the mornings.

My dick is so big, the city had to carve a hole in the middle of it so cars could get through.

My dick is so big, every time I get hard I cause a solar eclipse.

My dick is so big, it only plays arenas.

If you cut my dick in two, you can tell how old I am.

My dick was once set on fire for a Dino DiLaurentis movie.

My dick is so big, it needs an airplane warning light.

My dick is so big, Trump owns it.

My dick is so big that we're all a part of it, and it's all a part of us.

My dick is so big, I can never sit in the front row.

My dick is so big, it has its own dick. And even my dick's dick is bigger than your dick.

My dick is so big, you can't blow me without a ladder.

My dick is so big, it only does one show a night.

My dick is so big, you can ski down it.

My dick is so big, it has elbows.

My dick is so big, I have to check it as luggage when I fly.

My dick is so big, it has a personal trainer.

My dick is so big, that right now it's in the other room fixing us drinks.

My dick is so big, it has a retractable dome.

My dick is so big, it has stairs up the center like the Statue of Liberty.

My dick is so big, it's against the law to fuck me without protective headgear.

My dick is so big, I could fuck a tuba.

My dick is so big, Stephen Hawking has a theory about it.

My dick is so big, it has its own gravity

NASA once launched a space probe to search for the tip of my dick.

My dick is so big, it's impossible to see all of it without a satellite.

The inside of my dick contains billions and billions of stars.

My dick is so big, it has a spine.

My dick is so big, it has a basement.

My dick is so big, movie theatres now serve popcorn in small, medium, large, and My Dick.

My dick is more muscular than I am.

My dick is so big it has cable.

My dick is so big, it violates seventeen zoning laws.

My dick is so big, it has its own page in the Sierra Club calendar.

My dick is so big, it has a fifty-yard line.

My dick is so big, I was once in Ohio and got a blow job in Tennessee.

My dick is so big, Las Vegas casinos fly it into town for free.

My dick is so big, I can braid it.

My dick is so big, that when it's Eastern Standard Time at the tip, it's Central Mountain Time at my balls.

My dick is so big, I painted the foreskin red, white, and blue and used it as a flag.

My dick is so big, I can sit on it.

My dick is so big, it can chew gum.

My dick is so big, it only tips with hundreds.

My dick is so big, the Carnegie Deli named a sandwich after it. Actually, two sandwiches.

My dick is so big, the city was going to build a statue of it but they ran out of cement.

My dick is so big, Michael Jackson wants to build an amusement park on it.

My dick is so big, when I get hard my eyebrows get pulled down to my neck.

My dick is so big, you're standing on it.

My dick is so big, it only comes into work when it feels like it.

My dick is so big, it plays golf with the president.

My dick is so big, it charges money for its autograph.

My dick is so big, it has an agent.

My dick's people will call your people. Let's have lunch with my dick.

My dick is so big, it's right behind you.

My dick is so big, it has handlebars.

My dick is so big, it only does one show per night.

My dick is so big, my balls have only seen the head in pictures.

My dick is so big, I can only drive convertibles.

My dick is so big, when I get a hard on half my body goes numb.

My dick is so big, when I get a hard on it hits me in the face.

My dick is so big, it put the president on hold for 20 minutes.

My dick is so big, MTV's Cribs dedicated a whole episode to it.

My dick is so big, I can drive alone and still use the carpool lane.

My dick is so big, it got into Guinness by being the first Mr. Olympia with no arms.

My dick is so big, it seats 10,000

My dick is so big, it fired Trump.

My dick is so big, it was Vin Diesel's stunt double in XXX

My dick is so big, I live in his guest room.

My dick is so big, it has its own cleaning crew.

My dick is so big, Firemen slide down it.

My dick is so big.... Help I'm in labor with a baby elephant, and the trunk's already out!

[PeaceNoWar]

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea. The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?" She said that she did. He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said no. The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant." The woman was mystified. She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?" The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?"

[bakylotus]

VATICAN HUMOUR


After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggages loaded
into the limo, the driver noticed the Pope is still
standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, your Holiness', says the driver, 'Would
you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell the truth', says the Pope, 'They never
let me drive when I was a Cardinal, I would really
like to drive today'.

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, I cannot let you do that. I'd
lose my job. What if something happened?', protest
the driver.

'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly the driver gets in the back and the Pope
took over the steering wheel.

The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after
exiting the airport the Pontiff floors it, reaching 200
kmh. (Remember the Pope is German)

'Please slow down, Your Holiness', pleads the worried
driver. But the Pope keeps the pedal to the metals until
they hear the sirens.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the
cop approached. The cop took at look at the driver, goes
back to his motorcycle and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the chief', he told the dispatcher. The
Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him he stopped
a vehicle going at 200 kmh.

'So bust him', the Chief barked back.

'I don't think we want to do that, I think God is in the car,
because the driver is the Pope'.

[yogi_b]

A couple were sitting up waiting for their 16 year old son to come home from a social engagement when the boy came into the house with a big smile on his face.

"Hi, Mum! Hi, Dad! He said breathlessly. "Guess what! I've just had sex for the first time, and it was wonderful!"

His mother turned red and said to her husband, "He's your son. You talk to him".

Then she left the room.

The father said "Son, that's great. Now you've become a man and I'm proud of you. I'm going to celebrate the occasion by buying you that ten-speed bike you've been wanting. I hope you don't mind waiting till payday to get the bike."

"That's OK, Dad", said the boy. "I couldn't ride it right now anyway, my arse is too sore".

[yogi_b]

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, "Hey Koala! What you doing, bro?"

The koala said, "Smoking a J, come up and have some." So the little lizard scurried up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few spliffs.

After a while the little lizard had a horror case of the dry's and said he was going to get a drink from the river but the little guy was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.

A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. He asked the little lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing another joint.

The crocodile looked up and said, "Hey you!" The koala looked down at him and said, "Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude... how much water did you drink?!?"

[yogi_b]

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

[gedangsa]

Originally Posted by yogi_b

"That's OK, Dad", said the boy. "I couldn't ride it right now anyway, my arse is too sore".

Hahaha. That was a good one !

[BaliHai]

Dick and Sandra were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 50th wedding anniversary.

Sandra said, "Will we go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon?"

"Uh huh," said Dick

"Will we do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon?" asked Sandra .

"Uh huh," said Dick.

"And will we make love like we did on our first honeymoon?" asked Sandra.

"That's right," said Dick, "except this time I get to sit on the side of the bed and cry, 'It's too big, it's too big!'"