Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[soccerpicks]

enjoy the jokes here, thanks to all bros who share here

[justlovesex]

During a terrible storm, all the highway signs were covered with snow.
The following spring, the state decided to raise all the signs twelve inches at a cost of six million dollars. “That’s an outrageous price!” said a local farmer, “but I guess we’re lucky the state handled it instead of the federal government.” “Why’s that?”
“Because knowing the federal government, they’d decided to lower the highways.”

[justlovesex]

His pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a good many TV, adds, just to make conversation. Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?”
“A box of Tampax,” he replied without hesitation.
“Tampax?” said the doctor. “What would you do with that?”
“Well,” said Johnny, “I do not know exactly, but it’s sure worth two dollars.
With tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to.”

[justlovesex]

A man got really drunk one night in his local pub. The barman refused to serve him any more alcohol and told him he should be heading home. The man thought this was a good idea so he stood up to leave but fell over straight away. He tried to stand up again but only fell over again. He thought if only he could get outside and get some fresh air he'd be grand. So he crawled outside then tried to stand up and fell over again. In the end after falling over lots more he decided to crawl home. When he got back to his house he pulled himself up using the door handle but as soon as he let go he fell over again. He had to crawl up the stairs and managed to fall over onto the bed and fell asleep. When he finally woke up the next morning his wife asked him what he was doing at the pub last night. He denied it but she said, "I know you were there..." he maintained his innocence until "...the barman rang to say you forgot your wheelchair again...."

[soundlab]

THE LIE-CLOCK

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.'

'Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?'

'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'

'Incredible,' said the man'. And whose clock is that one?'

St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.'

'Where's Obama's clock?' asked the man.

'Obama 's clock is in Jesus' office;

He's using it as a ceiling fan!

[soundlab]

All Time Best Naughty Lines ... Enjoy

Q: What's the difference between cricketers and condoms?
A: Cricketers drop the catches and condoms catches the drops.

Q: What is the difference between riding a bicycle and a woman?
A: Riding a bicycle you fix your ass & move your legs, riding a woman you fix your legs & move your ass.

Q: What three things are common between the sun and woman's underwear?
A: Both are hot, both look better while going down and both disappear at night.

Q: Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?
A: Because they are tired of using their own.

Q: What's common between men and video?
A: Both go backward... forward... backward... forward... backward.... forward... stop and eject.

Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5-7 days and if it doesn't come means you are in big trouble

Q: What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?
A: A teabag.

[simple2kee]

this thread always brighten my days. thks u guys for the contribution.

[soundlab]

* 7 qualities to be a perfect wife: *

Beautiful,
Responsible
Energetic
Adorable
Sweet
Truthful and
Self-Organized.
In short, she must have good B.R.E.A.S.T.S

[soundlab]

Q: Who is a gynecologist?
A: He is the only fool on the earth who looks for problems in a place, where most people find pleasure.

Q: What is the similarity between men and rats?
A: Both keep searching for new HOLES.

Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology?
A: When the baby looks like his dad, then it is biology. When the baby looks like neighbour, then it is sociology.

Q: What's the height of recycling?
A: Sending a sanitary napkin for dry cleaning.

Q: Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted.. Are you having 3 meals a day as I have advised?
Lady: Doctor, I thought you had said 3 males a day.

[soundlab]

Girlfriend & boyfriend go for a movie. In the dark, a mosquito enters the girl's skirt. Guess where it would have bitten?
The boy's hand......

Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath. Tarzan removed his clothes. All the animals laughed.
Tarzan asked "Why"?
The animals told him......... .."Your tail is in the front"

Last but not least

Secret of long life...
Morning two eggs, evening two pegs......and night between two legs

[soundlab]

Insurance Jokes

The husband of a pregnant wife was thinking of buying insurance for his unborn baby. So he asked Great Eastern and the agent said, "don't worry man, we'll provide insurance right FROM THE BASKET TO THE CASKET".

The man was impressed but thought that he should probably seek another opinion. He then approached Prudential and the agent replied,"Oh, we have a new insurance policy which can protect your unborn child FROM THE WOMB RIGHT UP TO THE TOMB".

The man was stunned but thought that maybe all salesmen like to bullshit and decided to see the agent from AIA. He told the AIA agent what Prudential and Great Eastern had to offer. The AIA agent thought for a while and then said, "Tell you something, we have one that is even better than Prudential and Great Eastern. We'll insure your child FROM ERECTION TO RESURRECTION".

[soundlab]

- A judge asked a woman on why she wanted a divorce.
She answered, 'Your Honor, he knew I'm a vegetarian n yet he still insists on putting his meat in my mouth.'

- Woman: 'Doc, an ant entered my vagina, can you please take it out'.
Doctor removes her panties and start making love.
Woman: 'What are you doing?'
Doctor: 'This is the only way to drown the bastard!'

Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
Answer: Your SALARY. It comes once a month last 3 - 4 days & if it doesn't come you are in deep trouble!

- A lady visited her doctor again, Dr. said: U look more sick & exhausted then b 4.
Are u having 3 meals a day as I advised?
Lady: WHAT? I thought U said 3 MALES a day!!!!

- Women asked God to make The Penis Pretty.
GOD Said 'No way; Now As It Is, The Penis is so ugly & U still Su ck It. If I make it Pretty You'll Eat It up!!

- A nun went 4 a urine test. The sample got mixed up. When the doctor told her she was pregnant, she cried n said, 'Shit, we can't even trust cucumber anymore.!'

- A boy pulls down his pants in front of a girl & asked ' Do U have this? '
The girl lifted up her skirt & said, ' My mom said with this I can have a lot of THAT!'

- Schoolgirl: 'I do not want to take the SEX EDUCATION'.
Class Teacher: ' Why not?'
Schoolgirl: 'Someone told me the FINAL EXAM would be ORAL!'

- Mother asks daughter, how is married life?
Daughter shyly says like BRITISH AIRWAYS.
Mother reads the ad & is shocked ' 7 DAYS A WEEK,TWICE A DAY, BOTH WAYS!

- What is the STRONGEST muscle? TONGUE - It can raise a woman's hip with just one lick!.
The lightest muscle? PENIS! It can be raised by a woman's tongue!

- Lady Immigration officer asked a Korean tourist: Name? Park Yu.
The 0fficer become angry & shouted back: FUCK YOU! Now what's your full name?
Korean replied: PARK YU TOO!!

- Man to wife: Business is bad, if u learn 2 cook we can remove servant.
Wife: ASSHOLE! If u learn how to fuck, we can remove driver, gardener & watchman..

- COCK say to his two BALLS: I am going to take you with me to a party.
BALLS said: You big fucking liar. You always get INSIDE and leave us waiting OUTSIDE!

- A baby dog asked mama dog how papa look like?
Mama dog reply: How I know. Your papa came from behind & I didn't have chance to see his face' !

- What's the difference between stress, tension & panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant ; tension is when girlfriend is pregnant ; PANIC is when both are pregnant!

[soundlab]

TAKE FIVE FOR A GOOD LAUGH !

Question: Why is sperm donation more expensive rather than blood donation?
Answer: Because it's HANDMADE

Man No 1 : "My wife is obsessed with cars. While asleep, she holds my dick & said 'first gear, 2nd gear..."
Man No 2 : "My wife is worse! She puts my dick inside her & said "Full tank please."

Question : What is the closest thing that is similar to a woman's period?
Answer : Your SALARY! 

It comes once a month, lasts about 5-7 days & if it doesn't come, you're in big trouble!

A woman gave birth to 6 babies. On seeing this she got off the hospital bed, slapped her husband & shouted, "I told you not to do it doggy style!"

A prostitute goes to deposit a $100 bill in a bank.
The teller says, "Sorry, madam, this note is a fake."
"Oh no!" exclaimed the prostitute, "I have been RAPED!"

"Your secretary publicly said you have a small dick, what would you comment on this?"
"The truth is = she has a big mouth!"

A Japanese girl accidentally lets out a big fart after making love.
She said, "Aww, so sorry... excuse me pleazo, Front hole is so happy that my back hole laugh out loud!"

Love is a complicated machinery. But sometimes all you need is a good screw to fix it.

What's the difference between biology and sociology?
When the baby looks like his mom or dad = it's biology. 
When he looks like the neighbour, = it is sociology.

What do u call the useless piece of flesh attached to the dick ? = The MAN.

Whoever first said "A dog is man's best friend" = he must have never seen a pussy before..... 

Why is breast milk good for health?
Because it is great for blood circulation, provides heat, is refreshing and comes in attractive containers.

Why was the two-piece bikini invented?
To separate the meat section from the dairy section.

A mother was scolding the daughter, "I don't like the guy you are going out with. He is too dumb."
"No, Mama," she said, "He is going to be a doctor. See, he has already cured me of that illness that I used to have every month!"     

 
 

[Roman city]

An old man in the nursing home got a bottle of wine for his birthday. He talked the old lady in the next room into sharing it with him. After they were both totally bombed, he started groping the old lady and pulling at her clothes. He managed to get her blouse and bra off before she stopped him.

She said, “I can’t do this, I have acute angina”.

The old guy says “God, I hope so, you’ve got the ugliest tits I’ve ever seen.”

[BaliHai]

Don’t you just love Letterman

David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons
Why Golf Is Better Than Sex...


#10. A below par performance is considered damn good.

#9. You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.

#8. It's much easier to find the sweet spot.

#7. Foursomes are encouraged.

#6. You can still make money doing it as a senior.

#5. Three times a day IS possible.

#4. Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.

#3. If you live in Florida , you can do it almost everyday.

#2. You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.

And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex...

#1. If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it!