Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

One day, when Little Johnny was about 6 years old, he and his father went to look at some puppies. When he came home, he ran up to his mom and informed her that there were four puppies. Three were boys and one was a girl.

His mother was impressed and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

"Well," says Little Johnny "The girl was brown colored, but all the boys were black."

"Yes, dear, but how did the colour tell you if they were male or female?" asked his mother.

Exasperated, Little Johnny retorted, "The colour doesn't tell you, silly, the black ones all had cocks."

[bigbirdbird]

Little Johnny goes to school. His first class is English, and the teacher wants the kids to say what they ate for breakfast and spell it.

The first girl says "toast" -- t o a s t.

The second boy says "eggs" -- e g g s.

Little Johnny says "f*ckin nothing" -- f u c k i n g n o t h i n g.

The teacher stands him in the corner till lunch.

After lunch Little Johnny is allowed to take his seat. The first class after lunch is geography. The teacher wants to know where the Polish border lies.

Little Johnny shoots up his hand and says, "He's at home on top of my mom. That's why I got fucking nothing for breakfast!"


***********



Little Johnny is wandering up and down the aisles of a supermarket crying his eyes out.

"What's the matter fella?" asked a stock boy.

"I've lost my mommy!" wailed Little Johnny.

"Don't worry, we'll soon find her," soothed the stock boy.

"Now tell me, what's mommy like?"

"Bourbon and men with big, hard cocks," sobbed Little Johnny.

[Hurricane88]

To all my lovely brothers. My piece of good advice when traveling to USA

Please don't speak Hokkien in front of USA immigration officers

An elderly Hokkien couple arrived at US Immigration...

The officer asks "do you have any fever" turning to the old man...

Old man no speak english ..and don't understand and Immigration officer asked again and again Do you have a FEVER ?

The wife can't stand the officer any longer and Irritated wife shouted back at the officer in Hokkien

" E bo lah"

All hell broke lose after that 💥

[MerryXmas]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

To all my lovely brothers. My piece of good advice when traveling to USA

Please don't speak Hokkien in front of USA immigration officers

An elderly Hokkien couple arrived at US Immigration...

The officer asks "do you have any fever" turning to the old man...

Old man no speak english ..and don't understand and Immigration officer asked again and again Do you have a FEVER ?

The wife can't stand the officer any longer and Irritated wife shouted back at the officer in Hokkien

" E bo lah"

All hell broke lose after that 💥

This is funny ROFL
Thanks bro!

[Hurricane88]

Laughter from pic...

[diputs1269]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

Laughter from pic...

Hahaha, very good one here cheers!

[bigbirdbird]

Passion Lost



A guy meets a cute girl at a bar and strikes up a conversation. Many drinks and a long enjoyable evening later, he asks her to come back to his apartment.

In no time, they are in the throes of passion, tearing off each others' clothes. His manhood at full attention, he has just her socks and panties to go before reaching the promised land.

When he pulls off her socks, he realizes that she is missing all 10 toes. She explains that she lost them after having been unprotected in freezing weather, and they were amputated due to frostbite.

This immediately causes him to lose his erection and to have no desire to continue with his love making. No longer the least bit interested in continuing, he apologizes to her and rushes to get her dressed and out of his house.

As she was a real beauty and he couldn't wait to mount her, the event really bothers him so he visits his doctor and relates what happened.

Upon finishing his story, the doctor pats him on the shoulder and says, "Nothing to fret about. It just appears that you are lack toes intolerant."

[bigbirdbird]

Ask Uncle Bruce





Extracts from the problem page of the famous Australian men's magazine "Cobbler's", starring the legendary "Uncle Bruce,"... the " agony aunt with Balls":

Q. Dear Bruce I have some lucky condoms that I keep in my wallet. I am beginning to wonder if they really are lucky as they have been there for two months.

A. Jesus mate, no worries. Men only use rubbers when they are sober anyway. Guess that means you've been pissed for two months which makes you one lucky bastard! Just on a medical note rubbers are good when you do an Abo as they are smelly bastards, Oh and Roos too, helps avoid bush rash.

Q. Dear Bruce my girlfriend got upset when I suggested I use an old girlfriend's vibrator on her.
A. No worries. I've seen this before. Women need reassuring. Tell the stupid bitch that you have cleaned it since you last used it. Sometimes Sheila's get hung up on hygiene.

Q. Dear Bruce I gave my sister one up the shitter and now she wants me to do her mate.
A. Eh mate you're from Melbourne, right? No worries mate, as long as her mate is a Sheila it's ok.

Q. Dear Bruce After my last Hockey game I got an erection in the showers. Is this normal , I am a single guy and like girls.
A. Nah mate you're queer. Only queers play hockey.

Q .Dear Bruce, my wife says I don't use enough lubricant before we have sex.
A. Exactly how many beers are you drinking before you root her?

Q. Dear Bruce , I am beginning to suspect I am gay. I wear leather trousers and have just grown a Freddie Mercury moustache. I don't know who to turn to.
A. Get a grip of yourself man. Face facts, be logical: You're queer, no one likes you, get a gun, blow your brains out.

Q. Dear Bruce my girlfriend says we don't do enough foreplay.
A. Geez mate, you had me stumped for a bit. I didn't recognize the word Foreplay. Then it struck me, Fore is what you shout in golf. Jeez guy, men don't play golf with women but it's ok for her practice putting with your dick.

Q. Dear Bruce, I fooled around with a Kiwi and now I have a dose. What do I do?
A. Deny, deny, deny, deny, deny and never ever, ever, ever ,ever admit to going with a kiwi.

Q. Bruce the boys are telling me there is such a thing as Dingo sex. What is it?
A. There are two types. The first one when you wake up next to a fucking ugly Sheila and you chew your arm off to escape rather than wake her, just like a dingo caught in a trap, and the other one is when you drink too much and your old boy it Dingo in and dingo hard.

[bigbirdbird]

Home Early





Woman and her lover are in bed together when hubbie comes home. The woman jumps up, shoves the guy in a corner of the bedroom, rubs him down in baby oil and covers him in talcum powder.

'Don't move! You're a statue!'

The husband comes up to the bedroom, and he inquires about the new decoration.

The wife explains that the Smith family next door acquired a statue for their bedroom recently, and if they could get one, so could she.

The married couple goes to bed, but at midnight the husband goes downstairs, gets a glass of milk and some cookies, and comes back upstairs.

He hands the snack to the 'statue' and says, 'Here. I stood around for 3 days at the Smiths', and they never fed me a thing!'

[bigbirdbird]

Why Airplanes are Easier to Live With than Women

- Airplanes usually kill you quickly, a woman takes her time.

- Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.

- Airplanes don't get mad if you do a "touch and go".

- Airplanes don't object to a pre-flight inspection.

- Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.

- Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.

- Airplanes can be flown any time of the month.

- Airplanes don't come with in-laws.

- Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you've flown before.

- Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.

- Airplanes don't mind if you fly on other airplanes.

- Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.

- Airplanes expect to be tied down.

- Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.

[bigbirdbird]

Expressions for High Stress Days


1. Well, aren't we just a ray of fucking sunshine.

2. Make yourself at home. Clean my kitchen.

3. Not the brightest crayon in the box, are we now?

4. A hard-on doesn't' t count as personal growth.

5. Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.

6. Do I look like a fucking people person?

7. You! Off my planet!!

8. I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.

9. I wish for world peace, harmony and nakedness.

10 Let me show you how the guards used to do it

11. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

12. Allow me to introduce my selves.

13. Whisper my favorite words: I'll buy it for you.

14. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

15. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?

16. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

17. How many times do I have to flush you before you go away?

18. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

19. It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.

20. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

21. Can I trade this job for what's behind door # 2

22. Okay, okay, I take it back! UNFUCK YOU!

23. Just smile and say "Yes Mistress,"

24. Mommy, I want to grow up to be a neurotic bitch just like you.

25. A woman's favorite position is CEO.

26. This is a mean, fucking cruel world & I want my nappy and medication right now.

27. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic except my friends deep inside the earth.

28. Earth is full. Go home.

29. Is it time for your medication or mine?

30. And which dwarf are you?

31. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

[bigbirdbird]

Lovemaking Tips for Seniors



1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partners name on your hand in case you can't remember.

6. Use extra Polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.

8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf, too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!

10. Don't even think about trying it twice.

[alexcaro]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Home Early





Woman and her lover are in bed together when hubbie comes home. The woman jumps up, shoves the guy in a corner of the bedroom, rubs him down in baby oil and covers him in talcum powder.

'Don't move! You're a statue!'

The husband comes up to the bedroom, and he inquires about the new decoration.

The wife explains that the Smith family next door acquired a statue for their bedroom recently, and if they could get one, so could she.

The married couple goes to bed, but at midnight the husband goes downstairs, gets a glass of milk and some cookies, and comes back upstairs.

He hands the snack to the 'statue' and says, 'Here. I stood around for 3 days at the Smiths', and they never fed me a thing!'

Hehe good one bro!

[Everette]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

Laughter from pic...

Another blonde joke lol

[brace]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Lovemaking Tips for Seniors

10. Don't even think about trying it twice.

Very nice jokes bro!!
Thanks and pls share more.