Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[kYding]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Vocabulary Class


One day, Little Johnny’s teacher asked the class, “Children, if you know the answer, please raise your hand! Tell me things you can suck!”

“Ice cream, ma’am!” Little Mary answered.

“Good.” teacher said, “Anyone else?”

“How about a lollipop?” said Steven..

“Very good, now it’s your turn Johnny!” the teacher said.

Little Johnny, sitting at back then answered, “A lamp!”

The teacher and all of the students wondered about Little Johnny’s answer. Then the teacher asked him, “Johnny, why do you think one can suck a lamp?”

“Well, last night when I passed my parents’ bedroom”, Little Johnny answered, “I heard my mom say, turn off the lamp, honey and let me suck it.”


The teacher fainted.

wahahaha …. damn funny.

[yasaka]

Support good thread!

[bigbirdbird]

Shorts

Q. What do you call a female police officer with her pussy shaved?
A. Cuntstubble!


A newly-married couple show up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite. "Do you have reservations?" inquires the receptionist. "Only one," replies the groom. "She won't take it up the ass."


Q. What do you call a 400-pound woman who likes both men and women?
A. A Bisexual Built For 2!


Q. Why do men say "I love you" when they hardly know me?

A. Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure-fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.



"The thrill is gone from my marriage," one buddy told another. "Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?" "But what if my wife finds out?" "Heck, this is a new age we live in. Go ahead and tell her about it!" So, the guy went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together." "Forget it," said his wife. "I've tried that so many times, and it never worked.

[bigbirdbird]

Nigerian’s Blind Date


A Nigerian man goes on blind date, picks up his date in a Hummer ... to which she comments, "This car is Big!"

He replies, "Ah ma sista, everyting in Nigeria is big!!"

They get to a restaurant for dinner ... to which she says, "Mmmmmm this place is huge!"

He replies, "I olready tod you ma sista. Everyting in Nigeria is big!"

Later they head to his mansion. "Wow!" she says. "Your house is massive!"

"Yes ma sista. I olready tod you everyting in Nigeria is big."

They get into foreplay, when she comments, "Mmmmmm your thing is gigantic!"

He chuckles and says, "Ahhhh ma sista. I olready tod you everyting in Nigeria is big!"

And as he enters her, he pauses for a moment, "Mmmmm ma sista ... are you also from Nigeria?"

[bigbirdbird]

Tom Retires


Upon reaching 65, old Tom decided to retire.

After having him under foot for a few months, his wife became very agitated with him. She suggested he go and do something to occupy his time, like join a club or get a hobby

Old Tom obliged, and went out for a couple of hours..

When he got home his wife asked about his day and he replied, "Oh, I just went down to the park and hung out with the guys. And, oh yeah, I joined a parachute club.

"What? Are you nuts? You're 65 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

"Yeah, look I even got a membership card."

"Old man, you need glasses! This is a membership in a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"

"Oh, great! Now what am I going to do? I signed up for 5 jumps a week!"

[bigbirdbird]

The Monkey is a Show-off

A monkey is walking through the jungle when he comes across an elephant.

"Hello, Mr. Elephant", he says, "what a fine day it is. Would you like to see my cock?"

Slightly startled the elephant says, "Good morning Mr. Monkey. Why on earth would I want to see your genitalia?"

"Oh, it's absolutely amazing", came the reply, "you won't regret this" and with that the monkey whips out his member, which, as promised, amazed the elephant.

There were FOUR tips to this particular monkey's monkeyhood.

"My word!" said the elephant, "aren't you the lucky one."

The monkey continued his jaunt through the jungle when he happens upon a giraffe.

"Hello up there Mr Giraffe. Let me show you my cock!"

Spluttering out the leaf he was munching the giraffe protests but he is equally as stunned as the elephant when he sees the monkeys' four headed knob. "Incredible!" he states.

And off trots the monkey until he encounters a jaguar asleep under a tree.

"Mr. Jaguar! Mr. Jaguar! Look at my extraordinary penis!"

Stirring from his sleep the jaguar wakes to find the mutant cock before his eyes, which he promptly bites off.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH", screams the monkey, "What did youdo that for?"

"Because I'm a four-point tool eater Jaguar.”

[bigbirdbird]

Takin’ Care of His Body


There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 8 miles a day.

One day, he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tanned all over except his "thingie." So he decided to do something about it.

He went to the beach, completely undressed himself and buried himself in the sand, except for his "thingie" which he left sticking up.

Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane.

Upon seeing the "thingie" sticking up over the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady, "There's no justice in the world."

The other lady asked what she meant.

She said, when I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I begged for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. Now, I am 80, and the damn things are growing wild on the beach and I'm too old to squat.

[bigbirdbird]

Shorts


A man walked into a cocktail lounge, approached an attractive blonde woman sitting by herself and asked, "May I buy you a cocktail?” "No thank you," she replied "Alcohol is bad for my legs.” "Sorry to hear that," the man said. "Do they swell?” "No, they spread.”


Q. What do you call a 1000-pound woman on a bar stool with a new condom?
A. 1/2 Ton Pickup with Good Rubber!



One day an old farmer fell asleep in the top level in a 2-level hay shed. When he woke up, he found his son having sex with his girlfriend on the bottom level of the hay shed. He decided he wouldn't disturb them, so he laid down and rested. After a while he heard his son say, "Father, father up above. Give me strength for one last shove." So the father, being smart, replied, "Son, son down below. Get off and give your father a go."


Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Californians screw in hot tubs, not light bulbs.


The owner of a golf course in Alabama was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from school here in Alabama, and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."



Two guys were in a bar talking, and one says to the other, "You ever notice after you have sex with a woman that your eyes burn, your nose burns and you get all teary-eyed?" The second guy says, "Yeah, all the time." The first one asked, "Why is that?" The second says, "I'm pretty sure it's the pepper spray. "

[bigbirdbird]

Your Place, or Mine?

There is this man sitting at the bar when the most beautiful woman he has ever seen walks in, and he just has to go over to her.

"Let's cut the small talk, shall we? Your place or mine?" he says.

She looks at him and replies, "Mine."

So, he gets into his car, and she gets into her car, and they go over to her place.

When they get up to her apartment he walks in and sees all these dicks hanging on the walls.

He jumps back and cries, "What the hell is going on here?"

She answers, "If you don't satisfy me, that's where you're going to hang. So how do you want it?"

The man thinks for a minute and tells her to go into the bedroom, turn out the lights, and get naked.

When she goes into the bedroom, he goes back down to his car and gets this Big fuckin' squash out of his truck. He goes back up to her place and knocks on the bedroom door.

"Are you ready?" he asks.

"Yes," she replies.

So, he goes into the room and starts to pump her with the squash. She is screaming her lungs out, absolutely loving every minute of it. This goes on for an hour or so.

When he finishes, he asks her, "So how was that?"

The woman catches her breath and says, "Ahhh, nothing like a good fingering before a fuck!"

[bigbirdbird]

Bite Her Breasts


A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts.

He says to her, “Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $200 dollars?”

“Are you nuts?!” – she replies, and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

“Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?” – he asks again.

“Listen you; I’m not that kind of woman! Got it?”

So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. “Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?”

She thinks about it for a while and says, “Hmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. Let’s go to that dark alley over there.”

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.

As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, “Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?”

“Nah”, he replies. “Costs too much…”

[bigbirdbird]

The Rabbi Died

In a small town in the old country the Rabbi died.

His widow was so disconsolate that the people of the town decided that she ought to get married again. But the town was so small that the only eligible bachelor was the town butcher.

The poor widow was somewhat dismayed because she had been wed to a scholar, and the butcher had no great formal education.

However, she agreed, and they were married.

After the marriage on Friday, they went to the temple. Then home to prepare to light the candles. The butcher leaned over to her and said..."my MOTHER told me that after the Friday services, and before lighting the candles, it's expected the couple have sex."

So they did.

She lit the candles.

He leaned over again and said .."my FATHER told me that after lighting the candles it's good to have sex."

So they did.

They went to bed after prayers.

When they awoke, he said to her.. "my GRANDMOTHER said that before you go to the synagogue, you are expected to have sex.”

So they did.

After praying all day, they came home to rest, and again he whispers in her ear, "My GRANDFATHER says that after praying it's a custom to have sex."

So they did.

On Sunday, she goes out to shop for food and meets a friend who asks, "Nu, so how is the new husband?”

She replies, "Well, he's no scholar, but he comes from a wonderful family!"

[aimuon]

Tks to bro bigbigbird for sharing jokes.

[kYding]

Very good jokes, thx bro bigbirdbird.

[bigbirdbird]

Naïve British Sailor


A very naïve British sailor is in a bar in London.

He meets a wild girl, and she takes him upstairs. She takes off her pants and her panties.

He looks between her legs, and he says, "What's that?"

She says, "It's me lower mouth."

He says, "What do you mean, 'your lower mouth?'"

She says, "Just what I said, it's me lower mouth t's got a moustache... It's got lips..."

He asks, "Has it got a tongue in it?"

She says, with a flirty smile, "Not yet. . .."

[bigbirdbird]

Shorts


How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it.


How many animals can you get into a pair of tights?
10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 beaver, 1 ass, 1 pussy, thousands of hares and a dead fish no one can ever find.



Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent love-making session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"



What do you call a truck full of dildos?
Toys for Twats


Sandra and Cindy were talking about Sandra's Friday night at the local pub. Sandra was saying, "...and then the creep said, 'Why don't we play carpenter? We'll both get hammered; then I'll nail you'!" Cindy replied, "Oh, gross! What did you say?" Sandra answered smugly, "I said, 'No, thanks! You didn't bring enough wood'."



What do women and police cars have in common?
They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming.