Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[VRossi1980]

keep the nice jokes coming bros!

[bigbirdbird]

How Much


"How much for a blow job?"

She says, "A hundred bucks."

He tries to talk her down, but she won't budge, so he agrees to pay the hundred.

They go back to his hotel room and as soon as they are inside, Harry starts masturbating furiously.

"What are you doing that for?" asks the prostitute.

"For a hundred bucks," he says, "do you think I'm gonna give you the easy one

[bigbirdbird]

First Date

I took a very classy and absolutely gorgeous lady on our first date the other evening.

We had dinner at a very nice restaurant and went to a stage show afterwards.

We were getting along fabulously and as the time came to part I drove her to her house and walked her to her front door.

Being a gentleman, I thanked her for her company, saying she was so beautiful she reminded me of a wild rambling rose.

She thanked me for the compliment and we parted, but not before we arranged to see each other the following evening.

I arrived at her house the next evening as arranged, walked to and knocked on her front door.

She came to the door, opened it and punched me right in the mouth.

Somewhat surprised as one would expect, I asked her what had caused her to do that?

She replied, "After you dropped me home last night I was very flattered by the compliment you gave me and looked up wild rambling rose in my encyclopedia. It said that they did not perform well in bed but when tied to a fence or wall, rooted very well."


[well, did they go on the date, or not? ….. ]

[bigbirdbird]

Penis Enlargement



A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy, when he notices his friend is very well endowed.

"Damn Bob, you're hung!" Jim exclaims.

"I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it."

"What do you mean?" Jim asked.

"Well, every day for the past two years I've spent an hour each night rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy but it actually made it grow 3 inches! You should try it."

Jim agrees, and the two say good bye.

A few months later the two are in the same locker room, and Bob asks Jim how his situation has progresses.

Jim replied, "I did what you said, Bob, but I've actually gotten smaller. I lost half an inch already!"

"Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?"

"Well, because of my wife's high cholesterol, we do not have butter in our home, so I've been using Crisco."

"Crisco!" Bob exclaimed, "Dammit Jim, Crisco is shortening."

[bigbirdbird]

Italian Bread


Two men, one age 80 and one age 87, were sitting on a park bench.

The 87-year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80-year old asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year old said, "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80-year old stopped at the bakery.

As he was looking around, the saleslady, who was very cute and sexy, with a dynamite figure, wearing a very short skirt, asked if he needed any help. He asked, "Do you have any Italian bread?"

"Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?", she replied.

He told her, "I want five loaves."

She said, "My goodness! Five loaves? Don't you think by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard?"

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this Italian bread thing but me."

[bigbirdbird]

The Trucker and the Hitchhiker


A truck driver was driving along when he notices this female hitchhiker, so he slams on the brakes and picks her up.

They go through the pleasantries of meeting one another and then the truck driver asks if she would give up a little something for the ride.

She says, "Okay, but what are we going to name the baby?"

This scares the trucker so he lets her off and goes on his way.

A few days later he sees another female hitchhiker and picks her up also. He gets to know her and again he asks if she would give up a little something for the ride.

She says, " Okay, but what are we going to name the baby?"

He thinks for a little while and then says, "Will think of something when we are done."

They have sex a couple of times and then sit back to enjoy a cigarette, when the girl asks, "So what are we going to name the baby?"

He says, "Oh! Thanks for reminding me!" He reaches down and removes his condom, ties a knot in it, and throws it out of the window. He looks over at her and says, " If it gets out of that we'll name it Houdini!"

[bigbirdbird]

Confession


“Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And, who was the woman you were with?"

"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation, and I promised I would not tell a soul, and a promise is a promise."

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Liz Shannon?"

“I'm sorry, but I can't name her."

"Was it Cathy Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed."

“Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church mass for three months. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew.

His friend, Sean, slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Three-month's vacation and five good leads.”

[bigbirdbird]

On a Bench at a Mall


An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down.

He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, yellow, and purple.

The old man stared at him.

The young man said sarcastically, "What's the matter you old geezer, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

[bigbirdbird]

Itchy Alex


A teacher noticed that little Alex at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on.

He was quite embarrassed, and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised, and that he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.

He did it and returned to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.

She went back to investigate only to find Alex sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.

"I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said.

"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could 'stick it out' till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

[bigbirdbird]

In an Arizona Desert


Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night.

They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The young alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you."

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting.

Again, there was no response.

Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, "You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad."

"Rubbish," replied the young alien.

He aimed his weapon and opened fire.

There was a huge explosion.

A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien, off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away into a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed.

When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder and stick it in his ear."

[bigbirdbird]

Newly Married Guy


A couple had been married for only two weeks when the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go into town, tease the barmaids, and party with his old buddies.

And so he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back..."

"Where are you going, coochy coo?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer," he said.

The wife said to him, "you want a beer my love? See."

Then she opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

Not knowing what to do, the husband thought of something different and said to the wife, "Yes, loolie loolie... but the bar.... you know... the frozen glass..."

He didn't even get to finish the sentence, when the wife interrupted him saying, "You want a frozen glass puppy face?"

She took out a huge beer mug out of the freezer so frozen that she was getting chills just by holding it.

The husband was frustrated but luckily he thought of a winner excuse, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres poochy pooh?"

Again, she opened the oven and took out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But sweet honey...at the bar...you know...the swearing, the dirty words and all that..."

The wife smiled and said, "you want some dirty words cutie pie? Here: SIT THE FUCK DOWN! DRINK YOUR FUCKIN' BEER IN YOUR FROZEN FUCKIN' MUG! EAT YOUR FUCKIN' SNACKS! YOU AREN'T GOING TO THE FUCKIN' BAR!!! GOT IT, ASSHOLE?!?!"

[bigbirdbird]

Vocabulary Class


One day, Little Johnny’s teacher asked the class, “Children, if you know the answer, please raise your hand! Tell me things you can suck!”

“Ice cream, ma’am!” Little Mary answered.

“Good.” teacher said, “Anyone else?”

“How about a lollipop?” said Steven..

“Very good, now it’s your turn Johnny!” the teacher said.

Little Johnny, sitting at back then answered, “A lamp!”

The teacher and all of the students wondered about Little Johnny’s answer. Then the teacher asked him, “Johnny, why do you think one can suck a lamp?”

“Well, last night when I passed my parents’ bedroom”, Little Johnny answered, “I heard my mom say, turn off the lamp, honey and let me suck it.”


The teacher fainted.

[xxearth]

So many good jokes, thanks bro bigbirdbird!!

[35cents]

haha nice one TS!

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Italian Bread


Two men, one age 80 and one age 87, were sitting on a park bench.

The 87-year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80-year old asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year old said, "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80-year old stopped at the bakery.

As he was looking around, the saleslady, who was very cute and sexy, with a dynamite figure, wearing a very short skirt, asked if he needed any help. He asked, "Do you have any Italian bread?"

"Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?", she replied.

He told her, "I want five loaves."

She said, "My goodness! Five loaves? Don't you think by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard?"

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this Italian bread thing but me."

[aimuon]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

How Much


"How much for a blow job?"

She says, "A hundred bucks."

He tries to talk her down, but she won't budge, so he agrees to pay the hundred.

They go back to his hotel room and as soon as they are inside, Harry starts masturbating furiously.

"What are you doing that for?" asks the prostitute.

"For a hundred bucks," he says, "do you think I'm gonna give you the easy one

haha...hihi....so funny.