Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

New Doctor


I went to see my doctor the other day, and found out I have been assigned a new doctor, Col Gladys Pitts, M.D.; U.S. Army Medical Corps (ret). Her specialties include men’s ailments, geriatric issues, and dietary disorders specialist.

Needless to say, she is a real knockout.

I was embarrassed. But, she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional. I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out.”

I said, "my wife thinks my pecker tastes funny.."

[bigbirdbird]

Shorts


The sex life of my belt's buckle is as frustrating as mine. It also sees many holes everyday but goes in the same again and again!


Women have the same parameters for Men and Pizza delivery people. They are disappointed if they come before 30 minutes!



A young engaged couple were getting some prenuptial counseling from their Rabbi. The guy asked, "Is it okay to have sex before the wedding?" The Rabbi replied, "Not if it delays the ceremony."



Women are a lot like alcohol. They may give you a great night but they're a fucking headache in the morning!


A good date ends with dinner and a show/movie. An awesome date ends with breakfast!



Did you hear about the blind circumcisionist?

He got the sack.


Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring? He decided to stick it out for one more year!

[bigbirdbird]

Italian Soldier on Leave





A virile, young Italian soldier was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde.



Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom and made love.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So... You finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, the young man reached for her and they make love again. The young man smiles, and again he asks, "You finish?"

And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No."

Stunned, the young man reaches for the woman again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it. The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again, "You finish!?"

Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear, "No! I Swedish!"

[bigbirdbird]

Her Dog Can’t Hear


My neighbor found out that her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.

He found out that the problem was hair in its ears, so he cleaned both of its ears out and the dog could hear fine. The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring, she should go to the store and get some 'Nair' hair remover and rub it in its ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some 'Nair' hair remover.

At the register the druggist tells her, 'If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days. '

The lady says, 'I'm not using it under my arms.'

The druggist says, 'Oh. Well, if you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days.'

The lady says 'I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer.'

'Oh, I see,' said the doctor. 'In that case stay off your bicycle for a few days'.

[bigbirdbird]

Triple Dose


A man went to the doctor 's office to ask for a triple dosage of Viagra.

Doctor: I can’t give you a triple dose.

Man: Why not?

Doctor: Because it's not safe.

Man: But I need it really bad.

Doctor: Well, why do you need it so badly?

Man: My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, my ex-wife will be here on Saturday, and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I've got to have a triple dose.

The doctor finally relented. Doctor: All right, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.

On Monday afternoon the man dragged himself into the doctor’s office...his right arm in a sling.

Doctor: Good God! What happened to you?

Man: No one showed up.”

[bigbirdbird]

Confessional


An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 82 years old, have a wonderful wife of 60 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 82 years old. I'm telling everybody!’

[bigbirdbird]

Elton John has a Baby


Elton John and his partner, Davis Furnish, had their sperm mixed together, and a surrogate mother was artificially inseminated.

After the baby was born, Elton and David were ushered into the maternity ward. A dozen babies were lying in their cribs, and eleven of them were crying and screaming.

In the corner, one baby was lying quietly, smiling. A nurse came over to both of them and indicated that the happy child was theirs.

"Isn't it wonderful?" Elton asked David. "All these crying babies ...and yet our baby is so content. This just proves the superiority of gay love!"

The nurse said, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the pacifier out of his ass...."

[maddog_mlvn]

Bro Bird nice joke, but I like the last 1, Elton John baby joke. Tks

[JulianBrandt]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Elton John has a Baby


Elton John and his partner, Davis Furnish, had their sperm mixed together, and a surrogate mother was artificially inseminated.

After the baby was born, Elton and David were ushered into the maternity ward. A dozen babies were lying in their cribs, and eleven of them were crying and screaming.

In the corner, one baby was lying quietly, smiling. A nurse came over to both of them and indicated that the happy child was theirs.

"Isn't it wonderful?" Elton asked David. "All these crying babies ...and yet our baby is so content. This just proves the superiority of gay love!"

The nurse said, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the pacifier out of his ass...."

Nice one bro

[35cents]

hilarious! another nice one dude!

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

New Doctor


I went to see my doctor the other day, and found out I have been assigned a new doctor, Col Gladys Pitts, M.D.; U.S. Army Medical Corps (ret). Her specialties include men’s ailments, geriatric issues, and dietary disorders specialist.

Needless to say, she is a real knockout.

I was embarrassed. But, she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional. I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out.”

I said, "my wife thinks my pecker tastes funny.."

[S.B.Y.1]

God asks Bush: "What do you believe in?"
Bush answers: "I believe in the free market, and the strong American nation!"
"Very well," says God. "Come sit to my right."

Next, God asks Obama: "What do you believe in?"
Obama answers: "I believe in the power of democracy, and equal rights for all."
"Good,” says God. "You shall sit to my left."

Finally, God asks Trump: "What do you believe in?"

Trump answers: "I believe you're sitting in my chair."

[BleuNinja]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Triple Dose


A man went to the doctor 's office to ask for a triple dosage of Viagra.

Doctor: I can’t give you a triple dose.

Man: Why not?

Doctor: Because it's not safe.

Man: But I need it really bad.

Doctor: Well, why do you need it so badly?

Man: My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, my ex-wife will be here on Saturday, and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I've got to have a triple dose.

The doctor finally relented. Doctor: All right, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.

On Monday afternoon the man dragged himself into the doctor’s office...his right arm in a sling.

Doctor: Good God! What happened to you?

Man: No one showed up.”

Hahaha poor guy

[umami]

Originally Posted by S.B.Y.1

God asks Bush: "What do you believe in?"
Bush answers: "I believe in the free market, and the strong American nation!"
"Very well," says God. "Come sit to my right."

Next, God asks Obama: "What do you believe in?"
Obama answers: "I believe in the power of democracy, and equal rights for all."
"Good,” says God. "You shall sit to my left."

Finally, God asks Trump: "What do you believe in?"

Trump answers: "I believe you're sitting in my chair."

Tks sir for sharing.

[condenser]

Originally Posted by S.B.Y.1

God asks Bush: "What do you believe in?"
Bush answers: "I believe in the free market, and the strong American nation!"
"Very well," says God. "Come sit to my right."

Next, God asks Obama: "What do you believe in?"
Obama answers: "I believe in the power of democracy, and equal rights for all."
"Good,” says God. "You shall sit to my left."

Finally, God asks Trump: "What do you believe in?"

Trump answers: "I believe you're sitting in my chair."

Nice share bro, thx.

[bigbirdbird]

Young Tim has just finished high school and, not being too bright, he wants to get a job at a local mechanic's workshop in Christchurch.

Tim spies this advert for a job in a Motor Spares Shop and hurries over. Unfortunately, when he steps in there are already 2 guys there before him.

Tim with tears in his eyes explains to the manager that he really needs the job. Manager looks at him and says, "You know what Tim - I'd really like to give you this job but see these two guys are here before you .. you're going to have be really something special to get this job you know!"

Tim thinks now, mmmm, and then he says, "well boss, there is one thing - if you take a spark plug and stick it into my arse - I can tell you what type of spark plug it is."

The manager goes "Wow .. that's something - lets test you out!"

So Tim turns around and drops his pants. The boss takes a Bosch spark plug and shoves it into Tim's arse.

Tim goes "eeeeeeeeeeee ..... Bosch!!".

The boss, goes .. "Wow, that's really something - but lets test you out again!"

He takes a NGK spark plug and shoves it into Tim's arse.

Tim goes "eeeeeeeeeeee ..... NGK !!".

The boss, goes .. "Wow, you're really good .. but, one more time -
I need to be sure. "

Boss thinks now, lets catch this guy out! He unzips his pants, takes out his penis and sticks it into Tim's arse.

Tim goes "eeeeeeeeeeeee .... Champion!!!"