Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

What's That?



A little boy asks his dad, "What's that thing between mom's legs?"

The father answers, "Paradise, my son."

The kid asks again, "What's between your legs?"

The father replies, "The key to paradise."

The son says, "A piece of advice for you, dad. Change the lock, the neighbor has a copy of the key!"

[bigbirdbird]

The Greatest Driver in the World

The greatest truck driver in the world was driving along a country lane late one night when his truck broke down. All he could see was a faint light in the distance. So he headed towards it.

He came to an old farmhouse and knocked on the door.. 'Hello', he says, 'I'm the greatest truck driver in the world and my truck has broken down, I wonder could I have a bed for the night?'

'Well', says the farmer, there's only two rooms, meself and the wife in one, and my young (nubile) daughter in the other.'

'Look, I'm the greatest truck driver in the world, and all I want is a bed for the night, your daughter will be as safe as a house', says the greatest truck driver in the world.

'All right' says the farmer,’ and they all went to bed.

At four in the morning, the farmer heard the headboard next door banging against the wall. He got up and looked in, there was the greatest truck driver in the world driving it into his daughter, with his bare arse going up and down.

He went down stairs and loaded the shotgun. He snuck into the room and shoved the shotgun up the greatest truck driver in the world's asshole.

'All right', he says, 'if you're the greatest truck driver in the world, reverse out of there with a full load.......'

[bigbirdbird]

Is this a Union House?

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.

When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.

His search continued, until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam $ 100 , looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green -eyed blonde, "I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next!

[bigbirdbird]

THE PERFECT DAY - FOR HER
8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh in 2kg lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed - Freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants; open presents - expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner
9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo condition, blow dry
12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe
12:45 Catch sight of boyfriend's ex and notices she has gained 7kg
13:00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit
15:00 Nap
16:00 3 dozen roses delivered by florist - card is from secret admirer
16:15 Light work out at club, followed by massage from strong but gentle hunk who says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body
17:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe, parade before full length mirror
19:30 Candle lit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/dancers
22:00 Hot shower [alone]
22:50 Carried to bed...[Freshly ironed, crisp, new, white linen]
23:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
23:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms

[bigbirdbird]

THE PERFECT DAY - FOR HIM
6:00 Alarm
6:15 Blow job
6:30 Massive satisfying dump while reading the sports section
7:00 Breakfast - rump steak and eggs, coffee and toast, all cooked by naked buxom wench
7:30 Limo arrives
7:45 Several Whiskeys en-route to airport
9:15 Flight in personal Lear Jet
9:30 Limo to Riverside Oaks Golf Club [Blow job en-route]
9:45 Play front nine [2 under]
11:45 Lunch - Pie, chips and gravy, 3 lagers and a bottle of Dom Perignon
12:15 Blow job
12:30 Play back nine [4 under]
14:15 Limo back to airport
14:30 Fly to Monte Carlo
15:30 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female crew [all nude]
16:30 Land world record Marlin [1234lbs] on light tackle
17:00 Fly home - massage and hand job by naked Elle McPherson
18:45 Shit, shower, shave
19:00 Watch news - Brad Pitt assassinated; marajuana and porn legalised
19:30 Dinner - Lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon, big juicy fillet steak followed by Ice cream served on a pair of tits
21:00 Napoleon Brandy and Cohuna cigar in front of wall size TV as you watch Match of the Day
21:30 Sex with three women [all with lesbian tendencies]
23:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and cleansing ale
23:30 Night cap blow job
23:45 In bed alone
23:50 A 12 second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room

[water_boi]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

THE PERFECT DAY - FOR HIM

23:50 A 12 second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room

Wahahahahahahaha... Thank you for the joke..

[i^Xi0n]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

What's That?



A little boy asks his dad, "What's that thing between mom's legs?"

The father answers, "Paradise, my son."

The kid asks again, "What's between your legs?"

The father replies, "The key to paradise."

The son says, "A piece of advice for you, dad. Change the lock, the neighbor has a copy of the key!"

great one bro, do keep on sharing all these funny jokes.

[Killerwhale88]

Nice sharing of jokes bro bigbirdbird, thanks!

[poolhot.]

A captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost.
On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel
tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the sergeant
leading the tour, ‘What's the camel for?’
The sergeant replied, ‘Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and
the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the
camel.’ The captain said, ‘Well, if it's good for morale, then I
guess it's all right with me.’
After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the captain could
not stand it anymore, so he told his sergeant, ‘BRING IN THE
CAMEL!!!’ The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the
captain's quarters. The captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have
vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the
stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the sergeant, ‘Is that how
the enlisted men do it?’
The sergeant replied, ‘Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into
town.’

[poolhot.]

Two elderly ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke,
when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut
off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
The lady asked, "What's that? ""
""A condom,"" the other lady responded. ""This way my cigarette
doesn't get wet. ""
""Where did you get it? "" the other lady asked.
""You can get them at any drugstore. ""
The next day, the first lady hobbled herself down to the local
drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wants a box of
condoms. The guy looked at her kind of strangely (she is, after all,
over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.
""It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel. ""
The pharmacist fainted."

[poolhot.]

..............

[Truthful]

Originally Posted by poolhot.

..............

this is nice.

[poolhot.]

A guy went into a restaurant where he ordered a chicken dish.

Unfortunately, as soon as the food was brought to his table and was about to start eating, the waiter came back and said to him, ''Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that guy who is sitting at the next table over there? He is our regular customer and he usually orders the same dish but the problem is, this is the last chicken we had in the house. Adding to that, he is a lawyer and he has a case that is entering into the courts in about thirty minutes time. So I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!''

The guy got really upset and refused to give up his food.

So the waiter went over to the other customer and explained the situation to him.

A few minutes later, the lawyer walked over to the man's table and said, ''listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!''

The guy looked at the lawyer amused, "are you sure you'll do the same to me anything that I am going to do to this chicken?" He asked.

"Yes." Responded the lawyer.

"Wanna bet on that?"

"Of course, why not? You don't scare me Weiner. I can knock you out in a flash. So go on, do anything to that chicken and watch me do the same to you."

The guy calmly looked at the chicken before he stuck his middle finger in the bird's rectum then he pulled it out and licked it.

Turning to the lawyer who was now beyond annoyed by that time, he stood up and dropped his pants before bending over to him and said, ''alright my law friend, go ahead!''

[Overcomb]

Originally Posted by poolhot.

Two elderly ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke,
when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut
off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
The lady asked, "What's that? ""
""A condom,"" the other lady responded. ""This way my cigarette
doesn't get wet. ""
""Where did you get it? "" the other lady asked.
""You can get them at any drugstore. ""
The next day, the first lady hobbled herself down to the local
drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wants a box of
condoms. The guy looked at her kind of strangely (she is, after all,
over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.
""It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel. ""
The pharmacist fainted."

Nice joke bro

[hayhayI]

Originally Posted by poolhot.

A guy went into a restaurant where he ordered a chicken dish.

Unfortunately, as soon as the food was brought to his table and was about to start eating, the waiter came back and said to him, ''Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that guy who is sitting at the next table over there? He is our regular customer and he usually orders the same dish but the problem is, this is the last chicken we had in the house. Adding to that, he is a lawyer and he has a case that is entering into the courts in about thirty minutes time. So I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!''

The guy got really upset and refused to give up his food.

So the waiter went over to the other customer and explained the situation to him.

A few minutes later, the lawyer walked over to the man's table and said, ''listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!''

The guy looked at the lawyer amused, "are you sure you'll do the same to me anything that I am going to do to this chicken?" He asked.

"Yes." Responded the lawyer.

"Wanna bet on that?"

"Of course, why not? You don't scare me Weiner. I can knock you out in a flash. So go on, do anything to that chicken and watch me do the same to you."

The guy calmly looked at the chicken before he stuck his middle finger in the bird's rectum then he pulled it out and licked it.

Turning to the lawyer who was now beyond annoyed by that time, he stood up and dropped his pants before bending over to him and said, ''alright my law friend, go ahead!''

Muahahaha