Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

I have a little poem, I'll try to make it quick;
The subject is quite simple: the joy of owning dick.

A penis is a splendid thing; you ladies should be jealous.
An organ with such lovely skin, it's smooth and mostly hairless.

It starts to grow so quickly when a guy's about thirteen,
His testicles on either side, his willy in between.

It dangles neatly down below; it's softly warm and loyal.
But at the slightest hint of lust, it's ready to uncoil.

It seems to have a mind all of its own; it's like an untamed beast,
It squirms and writhes and stretches out, just when you 'spect it least.

Sometimes, yes, it misbehaves, erecting when it shouldn't.
A bumpy train ride sets it off, and then I wish it wouldn't.

During summer, wearing little, sunning on the beach,
A glimpse of wobbly boobs or bums will make it squirm and reach.

But handle it with love and cae, for it will give great pleasure.
I often check if it has grown - now when did I last measure?

Some men will fret about their size: they give it lots of thought;
Is seven inches long enough? It makes them quite distraught.

They sneak a look in toilets, wondering what they'll see,
But if another glances back at them, there's no way they can pee!

Masturbating is a sin - at least some folks believe.
That's just some old wives' tale, 'cause it really can relieve.
Without this super organ, no shag would be complete.
Lesbians can try their best, but must admit defeat.

It has some splendid functions, I'm sure you will agree:
To start a whole new life, and more than that - to pee!

But what seems most amazing about my one-eyed flute,
Whatever it is doing, it knows which juice to shoot.

And better yet, it stays with one, until one's old and frail.
Don't take it out in public though, or you'll be thrown in jail.

[bigbirdbird]

I became fully aware last night that I've been spending entirely too much time with my computer. The first clue was when I noticed that my right hand is now permanently cramped into the famous "Microsoft Mouse" position.

The second hint was a little more tragic. As I lay in bed last night looking at my wife, thinking how nice it would be to have sex with her,I rested my hand upon her breast and gently cupped it (having no choice, since my right hand is now permanently cramped).

I heard a soft moan, but moments later she relegated me back to my side of the bed.

Alas, I had double-clicked her nipple

[bigbirdbird]

"I bought a racehorse today."

"Oh, really? What is the horse's name, gender, timing, and whatare you going to do with him??

"I've decided to call him 'My Face.' He is male, runs a mile injust under a minute. I don't care if he doesn't win a race or if he makes me any money."

"Then why'nthehell did ya buy him??

I just want to hear thousands of those uppity posh bitches at the race course shouting: 'Come on, My Face!'

GOD I'd love to hear that!"

[LarkyStar]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

I have a little poem, I'll try to make it quick;
The subject is quite simple: the joy of owning dick.

A penis is a splendid thing; you ladies should be jealous.
An organ with such lovely skin, it's smooth and mostly hairless.

It starts to grow so quickly when a guy's about thirteen,
His testicles on either side, his willy in between.

It dangles neatly down below; it's softly warm and loyal.
But at the slightest hint of lust, it's ready to uncoil.

It seems to have a mind all of its own; it's like an untamed beast,
It squirms and writhes and stretches out, just when you 'spect it least.

Sometimes, yes, it misbehaves, erecting when it shouldn't.
A bumpy train ride sets it off, and then I wish it wouldn't.

During summer, wearing little, sunning on the beach,
A glimpse of wobbly boobs or bums will make it squirm and reach.

But handle it with love and cae, for it will give great pleasure.
I often check if it has grown - now when did I last measure?

Some men will fret about their size: they give it lots of thought;
Is seven inches long enough? It makes them quite distraught.

They sneak a look in toilets, wondering what they'll see,
But if another glances back at them, there's no way they can pee!

Masturbating is a sin - at least some folks believe.
That's just some old wives' tale, 'cause it really can relieve.
Without this super organ, no shag would be complete.
Lesbians can try their best, but must admit defeat.

It has some splendid functions, I'm sure you will agree:
To start a whole new life, and more than that - to pee!

But what seems most amazing about my one-eyed flute,
Whatever it is doing, it knows which juice to shoot.

And better yet, it stays with one, until one's old and frail.
Don't take it out in public though, or you'll be thrown in jail.

Wonderful poem!!! LOL

[bigbirdbird]

Husband and wife are shopping in Tesco's when the man picks up a crate of Stella and sticks them into the trolley

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife "They're on offer, only £10 for 24 cans", he says

"Put them back. We can't afford it," says the wife and they carry on shopping...

A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the man, "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," she says.

The man replies... "SO DOES 24 CANS OF STELLA AND IT'S HALF THE FUCKING PRICE

[bigbirdbird]

A husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary. That night, the wife approached her husband wearing the exact same sexy negligee she had worn on their wedding night.

She looked at her husband and said, "Honey, do you remember this?"

He looked up at her and said, "Yes dear, I do.

You wore that same negligee the night we were married."

She said, "That's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"

He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember."

"Well, what was it?" she asked.

He responded, "As I remember, I said, 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big boobs and screw your brains out'..."

She giggled and said, "Yes honey, that's exactly what you said. So, now it's 50 years later, and I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?"

Again he looked up at her, and replied, "Mission accomplished."

[bigbirdbird]

Handsome Vinnie had a great vacation visiting the back room of every gay bar on Castro Street, but it left him somewhat worse for wear.

When he got home he called up a friend who practiced homeopathic medicine and complained that his rectum was terribly swollen and tender. The friend recommended making a poultice of herbal tea leaves and applying it to the area.

It did relieve the irritation a bit, but the next morning found Vinnie still in considerable discomfort, so he hobbled over to the office of a proctologist who served the gay community. In the examining room, the good-looking fellow bent over and spread his cheeks. The doctor clucked sympathetically and started investigating.

"Well, Doctor?" asked Vinnie after a few minutes had passed. "What's the diagnosis?"

"It's not completely clear, darling," admitted the proctologist, "but the tea leaves recommend a Caribbean cruise for the two of us."

[bigbirdbird]

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.

She puts them on together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.

At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs enough times that her husband finally asks

"Are you wearing crotchless panties?"

"Y-e-s" she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank God. I thought you were sitting on the cat."

[bigbirdbird]

What part of your body goes to heaven first?


The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven... which part of your body goes first?

Suzy raised her hand and said, - 'I think it's your hands.'

'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'

Suzy replied, - 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.

'What a wonderful answer!' the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said 'Sister, I think it's your feet.

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. 'Now Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'

Little Johnny said, 'Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh God, I'm coming'. I gotta tell you, if Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her.'

The Nun fainted...!!!.

[bigbirdbird]

There is an 80 year old virgin who suddenly gets an itch in her crotch area.
She goes to the doctor who checks her out and tells her she has crabs. She
explained that she couldn't have crabs because she was a virgin, but the
doctor didn't believe her, so she went to get a second opinion. The second
doctor gave her the same answer. So she went to a third doctor and said "
Please help me. This itch is killing me and I know that I don't have crabs
because I'm a virgin".

The doctor checks her out and says "I have good news and bad news. The
good news is you don't have crabs,the bad news is that your cherry rotted
and you have fruit flies."

[bigbirdbird]

THE BROTHEL .. humor time


The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in
his late fifties.

"May I help you sir?"
she asked.

The man replied,
"I want to see Valerie."

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies.
Perhaps you would prefer someone else,"
said the madam.

He replied, "No, I must see Valerie."

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the
man she charged $5000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars
and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.

"There are no discounts. The price is still $5000."

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.

Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third
consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man,
"No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The man replied, "New Brunswick."

"Really," she said. "I have family in New Brunswick."

"I know," the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

[bigbirdbird]

The Impossible Task (Rude)


A nurse entered a patient's room and asked him to remove his clothing and put on a gown to be checked by the doctor.

"In...in front of you?" He mumbles, shyly.

The nurse says: "Don't worry, I've seen the naked human body before.

You've got nothing I haven't seen a thousand times." The man said, "Not one like mine. You would die laughing at my naked body."

"Of course I won't laugh!" said the Nurse to the patient, "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," said the patient, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing a huge male body with the smallest adult male organ the nurse had ever seen in her life. In length and width it was almost identical to a AAA battery.

The nurse, a professional, managed to keep herself from laughing, but did smile a bit. Feeling bad, she asked him about his symptoms.
"Well," he said, "there are two problems. One is that it won't stop getting hard."

Unable to control herself, the Nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. Immediately feeling bad that she had laughed at the man's private part, she composed herself as well as she could.

"I am so sorry," she said, "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a Nurse and a lady, I promise that it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Bob replied.

She ran out of the room.

[nba_1333]

nice good jokes here, enjoy reading it. TQ to all.

[Gingersnaps]

Originally Posted by nba_1333

nice good jokes here, enjoy reading it. TQ to all.

Especially from bro bigbirdbird

[BigBadDaddy]

Very the jik ark British-style dark humor from a friend...

1. Has anyone ever come to you & tell you that he just got called to the bar i.e. just got his license to practice law and in return, you ask him so when are you going to get de-barred/loose your license?

2. Or some friend who just got his Doctor license, you tell him so when are you going to get yourself struck off the register?

3. Some good friend of yours related that he has just got a business started, you congratulate him by asking so when you going to go bankrupt? When you going to 关门大吉 (close shop)?

4. Or maybe someone is to inform you that he has secured a brothel operating license, you ask him so when is your mum, sister/s, wife, daughter/s, other female relatives going to start servicing punters at your brothel?

5. Or to one who has just set for a test/exam shared that he/she is afraid that he/she hasn't done well, you console him/her by telling him/her "no worries, people like you sure fail one! I hope you fail anyway and always!"

6. Or to another who called to let you know that his or her loved one is critically ill, you ask him/her so when is your loved one ready to kick the bucket? Or expressed surprise e.g. Wah! Still haven't die yet ah! When going to die? Faster die lah! Die liao casket got business!! Die liao people got curry to makan! Or you wear all red go attend wake send garlands adorned with words like "喜 (Joy, Happiness)” ever? By the way, when is it going to be your turn? Also when 含家产 (whole family die)?

7. Or to someone one whose wedding dinner you are attending, you go in mourning color clothes and send mourning flowers and wreaths with the word "喪 (mourning)“, ever?

Ever to any of the above before or not?