Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[RapidoBoy]

Manners In The Bedroom


The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely.

"I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at the dinner table."

Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile.

"Yes," replied the girl, "much better."

"Very good, darling," the husband whispered.

"Now would you be so kind as to please pass the pussy?"

[sugardad]

lol lol, this is nice.

[ArowanaBullet]

Thanks for all the many wonderful jokes here .

[bigbirdbird]

Once upon a time there was a young redneck by the name of Jack.

Jack lived and worked on a farm with the farmer, the farmer's wife and their daughter Mabel.

One fine day as Jack was attending to his daily chores he saw Mabel bending over to milk the cow.

He felt himself become aroused for the first time and, shocked, ran to find the farmer to explain this strange
phenomena.

Upon finding the farmer he proceeded to drop his trousers and whip out his stiff trouser snake much to the horror of the farmer.

"Farmer, farmer," Jack cried, "what is happening to my penis?"

"Now settle down and put that thing away." said the farmer.

"Don't worry about it. It happens to all men."

"But I don't like it!" cried Jack.

"Well then," said the farmer, "next time it happens just go into the milk shed, get some cow shit and rub it on your dick. It'll go down quick smart, trust me."

The next day Jack was passing by the house when he looked in and saw the farmers wife having a shower. Feeling his member getting hard he rushed into the cow shed, dropped his pants and picked up two handfuls of shit. Just then Mabel walked into the shed.

"What are you doing Jack?" asked Mabel.

"Well," Jack replied,"I'm gonna rub this shit on my dick to make it go down."

"That would be a waste." Mabel said as she laid down on the ground and lifted her skirt. "Why don't you stick it up here?"

So he did. Both handfulls

[bigbirdbird]

New Sexual Positions

The IRS position, where you just bend over and take it up the ass with no lube.

The Humidor (requires a cigar and an intern).

The Monday Night Football (actually just doggie style done facing the TV with the game on with her in the football shirt of your favorite team).

The Kentucky Derby (AKA Woman astride) be forewarned if you decide to use the western variant of this (The Rodeo) her spurs WILL wreak havoc on the bed linens!

Oral Submarine. The guy must Dive...Dive ... Dive.

The Bugs Bunny: It's when the guy is on top with the women's legs pinned behind her head.

The British Telecom position: you get SCREWED by them and they never call you back.

The Grenade Position...I'll lay down and you blow the hell out of me.

The Enron Position...no matter what, you're getting it up the ass.

Totally Screwed - the position you in when your spouse comes in early from work and catches you in a position you can't get out of...

The ever-famous "No, you gotta get your leg up higher...no, not like that, like this...NO it's got to be HIGHER than that. No, like this...oh, yeah that'd work...if you were the one with the vagina...NO, would you listen to me? HIGHER! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE WORDS THAT ARE COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH? You know what? Never mind...I don't even wanna do it anymore. No, I won't give you head. No, we can't try again...Yeah, that's right. I am gonna use my vibrator... Well, I wouldn't have to if you could get your leg up! GAWD!"

[bigbirdbird]

Hallmark cards you won't see....but would probably sell.

OUTSIDE: As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
INSIDE: That you're not here to ruin it for me.

OUTSIDE: If I get only one thing for Christmas...
INSIDE: I hope it's your sister.

OUTSIDE: I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
INSIDE: After having met you, I've changed my mind.

OUTSIDE: I must admit, you brought religion into my life.
INSIDE: I never believed in hell 'til I met you.

OUTSIDE: Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder...
INSIDE: What the hell was I thinking!

OUTSIDE: I always wanted to be rich, powerful and well respected.
INSIDE: And while I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly.

OUTSIDE: Sex with you is like using drugs:
INSIDE: Lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid enough to admit it.

OUTSIDE: When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
INSIDE: Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.

OUTSIDE: I'm so miserable without you...
INSIDE: It's almost like you're here.

OUTSIDE: If you ever need a friend...
INSIDE: Buy a dog.

OUTSIDE: Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
INSIDE: Did you ever find out who the father was?

[cmuboy]

A joke during 2008 Chinese milk scandal

Ministry of Health announces that men are advised not to suck china girl's breasts due to melamine contaminated.

[bigbirdbird]

There was a Chinese father named Cheng who was very close to his son. They used to go everywhere together including looking for "birds" (Chinese slang for prostitute).

One day, Chung the son decided to go overseas for study. The father was very supportive, and before his son left, the father told him,

"Chung we cannot look for chicken together for the next few years. However, if you need to look for chicken, please go ahead and I will pay for it. But please state the expense as 'Shooting Bird' so that your mother will not suspect."

So the son left, and after a month, the father received the bill from Chung, the son,......(shooting bird - $300).

Subsequently, and for the next few months, the bill for shooting bird is more than $700. Well, the father could not tolerate this, so he wrote to his son.

"Chung Son, you have been shooting too expensive bird, try some cheaper one".

A month later, Cheng, the father, received another bill from his son. On it he had written:

Shooting Bird - $50
Rifle Repair - $2,000

[bigbirdbird]

There was a very unusual hospital where one of the main treatments was that the nurses would take the male patients home and sleep with them.

But there was one patient, Rob, no one wanted to take him home. He was a small man, and he had tattooed on his penis the word 'SHORTY'.

Well, finally, Valerie, feels sorry for him and takes him home and sleeps with him.

She comes back to work the next day smiling.

The other nurses ask what she could possibly be so happy about after sleeping with a guy with SHORTY written on his penis.

"Yes," replies Valerie, "but when he becomes aroused, it says, 'SHORTY'S RESTAURANT AND PIZZERIA'."

"Wow!" they say.

"'ORDERS TO TAKE OUT'," Valerie continues. "'ALL BAKING DONE ON PREMISES..."

The others stand there staring, in total surprise.

"ESTABLISHED 1922...PARTIES ARE OUR SPECIALTY'." Valerie finished.

[bigbirdbird]

She's A Keeper If You Hear A Woman Say . . .

I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me.

I know I'm sore and my parents are in the other room, I still want you right now!

This porno scene is boring, fast forward to the gang bang.

Don't get up, I kinda like sleeping in the wetspot.

Don't dirty up your T-shirt wiping that up, use my blouse.

That was fun, when will all of your friends be over to watch pornos again?

I bet it would be kinky to watch you with our baby- sitter Tracy.

You're my daddy! You're my daddy!

The new girl in my office is a stripper. I invited her over for dinner on Friday.

Honey, did you leave that skid in the toilet bowl? (Good one!)

While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal they'll still cover.

Bar food again!? Kick ass.

liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girl-friend has class.

That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool, I'm gonna go over and talk to her.

I love hearing stories about your old girlfriends, tell me more.

I like using this new lawn mower so much more than the old one, what a wonderful Valentine's day gift!

Let's just leave the toilet seat "up" at all times, then you don't have to mess with it anymore.

I've decided to buy myself a boob job. How big do you want 'em?

It's only the third quarter, you should order a couple more pitchers.

Honey, come here! Watch me do a Tequila shot off of Chuck's bare ass!

My mother is going to take care of the tab, so order another round for you and your friends.

I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it again.

Damn! I love when my pillow smells like your cigars and scotch. You passed out before brushing your teeth again, ya' big silly!

You are so much smarter than my father.

If we're not going to have sex, then you have to let me watch Sportscenter.

[JokerDeBest]

Great jokes . Had a good time laughing.

[Advalorum]

What is the difference between ...

1) a good secretary and a nice secretary?

a good secretary greets her boss, "Good morning"
a nice secretary says, "It's morning"

2) a key and a panty?

insert first then open, and the other, open first then insert

3) the world's oldest profession and the other professions?

young and fresh entrants without experience are paid many more times
than the older and more experieced ones

4) an egg and a baby?

an egg is the result of a sitting hen, while a baby is the result of a
standing cock

5) blood donation and sperm donation:

sperm donation is more expensive because it is hand-made

-------

During a health science quiz in school the students were asked to list 3 advantages of bananas.

Boys' answer: 1. rich calcium 2. reduces cholesterol and 3) reduces risk of cancer
Girls' answer: 1. no risk of pregnancy 2. No risk of HIV and other STDs and 3. No need for a partner

-----------------

What is a contraceptive pill?

the 2nd best thing that a woman can keep in her mouth to avoid pregnancy

------------------

Newly wedded couple after sex.

husband: I'll be frank with you. You are not the first girl.
wife: I'll also be frank. You still have a lot to learn.

------------------

During the final of a national general knowledge quiz.

"I was really angry when I lost the quiz by 1 point. Last question was, "Where do women mostly have curly hairs?". I was sure that I was correct, but the stupid judges said "Africa".

------------

Have a good laugh and a good week ahead.

[Flavours]

Very nice thread!

[CopyRight]

HORSE IN THE HOUSE
Joe was trying to lead a horse in the street, but was having much trouble getting the horse’s cooperation. A passerby stopped and asked if he could help. Joe was grateful and gladly accepted.

After much pushing and shoving, they finally got the horse to the front door of Joe’s department. Joe indicated that the horse was to go through the door. More pushing and shoving.

Once inside, Joe and the passerby managed to work the horse up the steps and into Joe’s apartment on the third floor, then through the living room and into the bathtub.

Wiping the sweat from his brow, the good Samaritan said, “I don’t want to be nosy, but this is most unusual…”

Joe said, “When my wife comes home, she’ll look in the bathroom and say, ‘There’s a horse in there!’ “

“Hey, how many times in a man’s life will they ever get the chance to tell their wife, ‘I know! I know!’?”

[CopyRight]

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won’t be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don’t press any buttons, you’ll just mess it up.

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.

(Well, my job is done …..Your turn!)