Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

A man walked into the local tavern where he frequented, and when the bartender came over, he said, "I'd like to have three shots of Jack Daniels."
The bartender didn't question him, and brought him his 3 shots. One, two, three -- they disappeared! "Fill 'er up again," asked the man.

The bartender repeated the process, and so did the patron -- one, two, three -- they were gone! Well, Joe the Bartender didn't know WHAT to make of this. When the man asked for a third fillup, he said, "Buddy, seems like you got problems! Do you want to talk about 'em?"

The customer said, "Joe, I have a computer at home, and once a month -- maybe more -- I go to a porno website."

Joe, the bartender, said, "A lot of men do that -- but it doesn't make them drink like fish!"

"You don't understand," said the customer, "the one I went to today, I saw 3 gorgeous women!"

Joe said, "That's not unusual. A LOTTA lovely women on the Internet!"

The customer turned to Joe, with tears in his eyes. He said, "Have you ever been to a website, and the first three women you see are your daughter, your wife, and your MOTHER?"

[bigbirdbird]

Why Men Get Out Of Bed

A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night:
- 5% said it was to get a glass of water.
- 12% said it was to go to the toilet.
- 83% said it was to go home


*********


A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things! I just won the National lottery!"
Martha responds excitedly, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?!"
The man responds, "I don't care ... just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"

[bigbirdbird]

There are a blonde, brunette, and a redhead at a maternity ward.

The redhead says she's having a girl because when she had sex she was on top.

The brunette says she's having a boy because the guy was on top.

The brunette and redhead notice the blonde starting to cry.

They asked her what was wrong and she said, "I'm having puppies.

[bigbirdbird]

There are at least EIGHT types of ORGASM of a WOMAN.


1. The Optimist - Oh Yes, Oh Yes, Oh Yes..................


2. The Pessimist - Oh No, Oh No, Oh No....................


3. The Confused - Oh Yes, Oh No, Oh Yes, Oh No............


4. The Traveler - Ahh, I'm coming, I'm coming.............


5. The Religious - Oh God, Oh God.........................


6. The Userer - Ahh, More, More, More.....................


7. The Murderer - Ahh, If you take it out, I'll kill you...


8. The Submariner - Mmm...OHHH...Deeper...Go DEEPER !!

[bigbirdbird]

The young hooker reports for her first day at the brothel.

The madam says to her,

" Do you have any questions?"

The hooker replies, " Yes, I was wondering how long penises should be sucked?"

The madam says," The same as the short ones".


*********

The young novice nun soon realized that the absence of sex in the convent was a problem.

She confessed to Mother Superior that it was unhealthy and she was restless.

"Comfort yourself with a candle," she was advised.

"I've tried that," she said, "But you get tired of the same thing wick in and wick out."

[Marikita Didi]

A man standing at a bus stop was eating a hamburger. Next to him stood a lady with her little dog, which became very excited at the smell of the man's supper and began whining and jumping up at him. "Do you mind if I throw him a bit?" said the man to the lady. "Not at all," she replied, whereupon the man picked the dog up and threw it over a wall.

[Marikita Didi]

One day on a bus, every passenger was female but the driver.
There was a student, a waitress, a flight attendant, a slut and a nun.
Then a guy boarded the bus and declared a hold up.
So everybody gave their money, jewelries and other pricey belongings.
But the guy wasn't contented he said " I will rape each one of you"
so everybody got more nevous and afraid, the students and other ladies went crying.
So the Slut stood up and told the guy "Just rape me, since that is the nature of my job, I don't care how many times you want to do it, just let them go."
But the Nun slapped the slut in the face and said "Will you shut up? didn't you hear what he said"? He said EVERYBODY!"

[Marikita Didi]

Four nuns were standing in line at the gates of heaven.
Peter asks the first if she has ever sinned.
"Well, once I looked at a man's penis," she said.
"Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven," Peter told her.
Peter then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned.
"Well, once I held a man's penis," she replied.
"Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven," he said.
Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun.
Peter asked her, "Why did you push ahead in line?"
She said, "Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!"

[Marikita Didi]

Q: How do you fit 10 Amish in a VW Beetle?
A: Tell them you are going to the livestock auction

Q: Did you hear about the Amish Flu?
A: There are only two symptoms. First you get a little hoarse, then you get a little buggy.

Q: Why did the Amish woman divorce her husband?
A: He was driving her buggy.

Q: What's the shortest book in the world?
A: Amish war heros.

Q: What goes clip-clop clip-clop clip-clop bang bang bang?
A: Amish driveby shooting.

Q: Why don't the Amish water ski?
A: Because the horses would drown.

Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his arm up a horse's ass?
A: A mechanic.

Q: What's an Amish woman's favourite sexual fantasy?
A: Two Mennonite.

Q: How do we know that Adam and Eve were Mennonite?
A: Who else would be alone in a garden with a naked woman and be tempted by a piece of fruit?

Q: What's the difference between a Mennonite girl and Alaska?
A: About three degrees.

Q: What's the difference between an Amish girl and a water buffalo?
A: About 12 pounds of hair.

Q: What's the difference between an Amish boy and a rock?
A: The rock moves faster.

Q: Why don't Amish women wear sleeveless dresses?
A: They refuse to bare arms.

Q: How was copper wire invented?
A: Two Mennonites found a penny.

Q: What do you call a beautiful girl in an Amish Church?
A: A visitor.

Elevator

An Amish family from Pennslyvania decides to go to the Big Apple for the first Time in their lives;
Mother, Father and their son.
They go into the Empire State Building.
As they're walking around they notice the elevator.
Never seeing one before they stand in front of it bewildered.
While staring at it, an old lady in a wheelchair rolls up to it, pushes the button, the door opens, she rolls herself inside and the door closes.

The amish family watches as the lights for each floor light as it goes up.
They continue to watch as the numbers go down again.
The door opens and out walks this tall gorgeous blonde. Legs to her neck. Great figure. Beautiful!
Paw looks at his son and says, "Quick boy, shove your mother in there!"

Robbery
Two fellers were in desparate need of cash, but admittedly were a bit cowardly.
So the one suggested they break into the Amish market.
The logic being that since the Amish were non-resistant, even if they were caught, no harm could befall them.
Thus they carried out their plot.
However, just as they were breaking into the cash register, the owner turned on the lights and confronted them, a shotgun pointed directly at them.
Calmly, the Amishman said, Boys, I would never do thee any harm yet you are standing where I am about to shoot.

Sheep
A newcomer to the political scene was campaigning in Amish country for the office of assemblyman.
Outside an Amish homestead, he saw a young man and his sheep.
He approached the man, ready to make his pitch for a vote.

Just as he was getting started, an old man called from inside the house. "Luke, get in the house. And who is that guy you're talking to?"
"Says he's a politician, Pop," Luke said.
"In that case, you'd better bring the sheep inside with you."

Keeping It Warm

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an open buggy one cold, blustery January day.
The daughter said to the mother, "My hands are freezing cold."
The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs. The body heat will warm them up."
So the daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
The next day, the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend.
The boyfriend said, "My hands are freezing cold."
The daughter said, "Put them between my legs, they'll warm up."

The next day, the boyfriend is driving in the buggy with the daughter.
He said, "My nose is freezing cold."
The daughter said, "Put it between my legs. It will warm up."
He did, and his nose warmed up.
The next day, the boyfriend is driving again with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."
The next day, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"
The slightly concerned mother says, "Sure, why do you ask?"
The daughter says, "Well, they make one hell of a mess when they thaw out.

Amish Pick Up Lines:

Do you come to this barn often?

Does your field need plowing?

Why don抰 you come by around 8, bring a fresh bottle of buttermilk, and we抣l sit silently amongst my large family.

Would you like to see my well?

I抎 totally get shunned for you.

Will you churn my butter for me?

When we抮e not together I churn for you.

Want to raise a barn with me? It builds community.

I own many acres of fertile land in Pennsylvania

That modestly drab brown dress really brings out your eyes.

This quilting bee is turning into a quilting zzzzz. Wanna take a ride in my buggy, instead?

[Marikita Didi]

An old priest who became sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll leave the priesthood!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.

About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."

The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, Your wife fell two times this week."

[Marikita Didi]

Maria is a devout Catholic. (No condoms for her!) She gets married and has 17 children...and then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later...and has 22 children by her second husband. She dies.

At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens, and says, "At last...they're finally together." A man standing next to him asks, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean her and her FIRST husband, or her and her SECOND husband?"

"No," the priest says politely, "I mean her LEGS."

[Marikita Didi]

An old priest who became sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll leave the priesthood!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.

About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."

[Marikita Didi]

A pastor explained to his congregation that the church was in need of some extra money, so he asked them to consider being more than generous. He offered that whoever gave the most would be able to pick three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed about the church, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had graciously offered a $100 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady in the back of the church shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front, so she slowly she made her way towards him. The pastor told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much, and in thanks he asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation. She pointed to the three most handsome men in the church and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

[Marikita Didi]

A man sees a boy with a box of kittens
The man goes over and says "Oh what cute kittens!"
The boy replies "Yes they are Christian kittens".
About a week later the man sees the boy again with the same batch of kittens.
Once again he walks over and says "my, those are just adorable!"
The boy replies "Yes, they are atheist kittens"
The man asks "wait, weren't they christian before?"
The boy looks at the man and says "Yeah but they have their eyes open now"

[bigbirdbird]

Cajun honeymoon

Boudreaux, out in his pasture in south Louisiana, takes a lightning-quick kick from a cow right in the crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.

He said 'How bad is it Doc? . . . I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my finance, Bertha, is still a virgin - in every vay.'

The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.'

He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together . . ... Quite an impressive work of art and engineering.

Boudreaux mentions none of this to Bertha, marries her, and they go on their honeymoon to Ville Platte.

That night in the motel room, Bertha slowly open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts.

She said, 'You're DA first, nobody has EVER seen deez.'

Boudreaux immediately drops his pants and replies, 'Look at dis, Bertha.......

..... .still in DA CRATE!'