Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[BlueSteel]

Firing Squad


Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead and one's a blonde.

The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!''

Suddenly the brunette yells, ''EARTHQUAKE!!!''

Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She say no and the executioner shouts, ''Ready! Aim!''

Suddenly the redhead yells, ''TORNADO!!!''

Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.

By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!'' and the blonde yells, ''FIRE!!!'''

[BlueSteel]

The Turkey And The Bull


A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, there he was, proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

[BlueSteel]

Below are four questions. You have to answer them without delay. You can't take your time; answer all of them immediately.

Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)
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First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
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Answer:
If you answered that you are first, then you are wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!
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(To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question.)

Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
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Answer:
If you answered that you are second to last,
then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?! (You're not very good at this are you?)
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Third Question: Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head Only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?
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Answer:
Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. Don't believe it? Check with your calculator! The decimal sequence confuses your brain, which always jumps to the highest decimals (100's instead of 10's).

Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right?
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4th Question: Mary's father has five daughters: Nana, Nene, Nini, Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?
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Answer:
Nunu? Nana? Nene? NONO! Of course not. The fifth daughter's name is Mary. Read the question again.


How did you do?

[BlueSteel]

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends £5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a news-stand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the news-stand guy, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35, guv" was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29, sir".

"I am actually 47! 47! Ha!"

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thinks, 'What the hell' and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

[BlueSteel]

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town.


After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.


The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager:

'Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference.'


The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.

As they are walking home the first man says,

'You know, I think my girl was dead!'

'Dead?' says his friend, 'Why do you say that?'


'Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her.' His friend says, 'Could be worse I think mine was a witch.'


'A witch ??. . why the hell would you say that?'



'Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window..... took my teeth with her!'

[ah rat]

Married Life ...!


* They say that marriage makes a man dizzy, and it's true. As soon as I got a wife, I lost my balance at the bank.


* Men want 3 qualities in wives: Economist in kitchen, artist in home & devil in bed. But they get artist in kitchen, devil in home & economist in Bed.

* Q: Why do women live longer than men?
A: Shopping never causes heart attacks, but paying the bill does!

* Before marriage: Roses are red, sky is blue. U r beautiful, I luv u.
After marriage: Roses are dead, I'm blue.. U r my headache, one day I'll kill u.

* Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.

* Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married..
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.

* Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!

* Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

[Xenosis]

Originally Posted by BlueSteel

Below are four questions. You have to answer them without delay. You can't take your time; answer all of them immediately.

Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Answer:
If you answered that you are first, then you are wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
(To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question.)

Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Answer:
If you answered that you are second to last,
then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?! (You're not very good at this are you?)
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Third Question: Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head Only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Answer:
Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. Don't believe it? Check with your calculator! The decimal sequence confuses your brain, which always jumps to the highest decimals (100's instead of 10's).

Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.


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.
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4th Question: Mary's father has five daughters: Nana, Nene, Nini, Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?
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.
.
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Answer:
Nunu? Nana? Nene? NONO! Of course not. The fifth daughter's name is Mary. Read the question again.


How did you do?

Very good one!

[beary]

Men vs. Women

1. NAMES
If Jane, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Jane, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2. EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3. MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

4. BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5. ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

6. CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

7. FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8. SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9. MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

10. DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11. NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12. OFFSPRING - Ah, children.
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

[beary]

I ran in to Bill the other day and he clearly looked very distraught. I asked him what was wrong.

Bill said, "As you know, I am looking for employment.

I found an ad in the paper for a part in local dinner theater, Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet.

I went and tried out for the part of Romeo. However, I failed my audition through a misunderstanding over a simple stage direction.

My copy of the script clearly said, "Enter Juliet from the rear."

[beary]

WHAT A GUY SHOULD NOT SAY AFTER SEX

"I was kidding about being sterile, you know."

"Do you always fart like that when someone shoves it in?"

"How come it's so BIG in there?"

"You've done this with a lotta guys before, right?"

"Next time I come over, don't bother with the underwear, OK?"

(Sniff, sniff) "Is that CAT food?"

(Yelling) "OK guys, it's a wrap, cut, and print it!!"

"You are great in bed, but your sister gives better head!"

"My first wife was prettier, but you can screw a lot better."

"Do you know what a 'douche' is?"

"Maybe if you did some pushups, your boobs would grow."

"I want you to try some of MY deodorant."

"I'm not into relationships. Can't we just screw, like every Tuesday night or something?"

"Maybe if you lost some weight, I could get it all the way in!"

"I never saw a girl with hairy boobs before!"

* "I've been getting these little blisters lately....."

"You wanna do those dishes before you leave?"

"You should go wash that, the cabbie will think something DIED in there!"

[beary]

There are at least EIGHT types of ORGASM of a WOMAN.


1. The Optimist - Oh Yes, Oh Yes, Oh Yes..................


2. The Pessimist - Oh No, Oh No, Oh No....................


3. The Confused - Oh Yes, Oh No, Oh Yes, Oh No............


4. The Traveler - Ahh, I'm coming, I'm coming.............


5. The Religious - Oh God, Oh God.........................


6. The Userer - Ahh, More, More, More.....................


7. The Murderer - Ahh, If you take it out, I'll kill you...


8. The Submariner - Mmm...OHHH...Deeper...Go DEEPER !!

[justica]

bro beary keep ur jokes coming

[natto3]

Originally Posted by BlueSteel

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear." "I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."

that's a good one.

[beary]

A guy is at a bar sipping his drink when he spots a gorgeous blonde sitting at one of the tables with her friends.

She catches him staring at her and they eye each other for a while.

Then he decides to go for it and motions to her with his finger (you know, that "come here" motion made by the index finger).

So she walks over to where he's standing. He leans over and in a low voice whispers in her ear,

"If I could make you 'come' with one finger, imagine what I could do with a whole hand."

[beary]

A man returned from a very fancy hospital and was telling his friend all about his experience...

The man said to his friend, "The hospital I was in was very specialized."

Hid friend asked, "How so?"

The man explained, "Well, they had a food nurse who gave you food. They had a drug nurse who gave you drugs. They had a coffee nurse who gave you coffee. And then there was the head nurse ... "