Wife & Sex - going through the motion

[smay]

Originally Posted by 5ag1_Boar

Just some thoughts:

1. A lot of women focus on kids and neglect husband. I find this is an attitude. If they feel sex is important in their marriage, they will make time for it. If they remember their husband is also important, they will make time for him. It's a matter of priorities. Unfortunately, many women only prioritise their children, then work responsibility, then husband. They expect their hubbies to be supportive and let them rest, help with housework, etc... but they forget they also need to be supportive of their hubby and relationship. This of course can apply vice versa, some men also focus on feeding wife and children and career, they forget to sayang their wives and children.

I am always amazed by those women who can balance career, kids, husband and personal needs. Really is Super Woman. They also tend to be high flyers... I'm out their league. LOL!!! But I'm happy enough with someone who puts me, kids and herself on the same high priority.

I know some cases where after divorce, the woman wake up and realise that not only they neglected ex-husband, they also neglected themselves and decide to give themselves some priority. Then they start to dress nicely, diet and/or exercise, put on make up, buy nice clothes, lingerie, arrange babysitting so they can go out with gfs or date new men. Last time, simply cannot let go of their children. In most cases, they realise the irony, although sometimes reluctantly. Unfortunately, for a few, the attitude is still "I want to show him what HE is missing!" *pengz*

2. Sex with same person, the same way will become boring after years. That is a given. As couples, we have to work to spice it up. With my fiancee of a few years, it is starting to feel SOP. Then the other day she blindfolded me and gave me BJ... the sensation is much more enhanced when you cannot see what's going on and your are not allowed to touch (of course I return the favour in kind). We are already taking about soft bondage when our own home is ready. Made we realise that it is not really that hard to enhance our sex lives.

3. Making love is also more fun when we go stay-cation or vacation. Simply having the time and luxury to connect, play and seduce makes the otherwise SOP sex more fun. Nicer bed, wake up later, well rested and better mood. No need to lower volume in case family/neighbour hear us. No work stress lingering in the mind. No rush to get dressed, can just cuddle and nap naked in each other arms.

4. Behave like an affair. Sometimes when I know my fiancee is at home on leave, I will purposely arrange my work or take half day leave just so I can go over and ML with her... as if we're having an affair. It is not as "exciting" as a real affair, but it feels better then SOP. Plus her family not at home, so we can really take our time and be more uninhibited.

2, 3 and 4 can only apply if 1 is not the situation or has been resolved.

I've said this a few times here and there in SBF. Consider marriage counselling even if you are NOT at the verge of divorce. I've personally experienced it... some people will listen to and believe neutral 3rd party "professionals" (i.e. marriage counsellors) more then they do to their life partner. You need someone else to tell your other half that sex is THAT important.

Good points. I and my wife did that often.

[bernardlee]

Every bro should just go for divorce if wife is not performing her so called optional duty! Let the divorce goes up even higher. Sooner later government/media will highlight the importance of sex for hubby. No point keeping mum and suffer in silence. See so many uncles resort to beers and frequent to Geylang due to unsatisfied sexual life. Pathetic! Sex is just a simple need just like food we eat everyday. Why do I need to beg and beg every night? I feel really cheated into this situation. Now the priortiy becomes work hard, earn money, pay money, walking ATM, ensure the kid is well taken care ...

[Niceman]

Originally Posted by bernardlee

Every bro should just go for divorce if wife is not performing her so called optional duty! Let the divorce goes up even higher. Sooner later government/media will highlight the importance of sex for hubby. No point keeping mum and suffer in silence. See so many uncles resort to beers and frequent to Geylang due to unsatisfied sexual life. Pathetic! Sex is just a simple need just like food we eat everyday. Why do I need to beg and beg every night? I feel really cheated into this situation. Now the priortiy becomes work hard, earn money, pay money, walking ATM, ensure the kid is well taken care ...

Well Said.......

[ch1818]

Originally Posted by bernardlee

Every bro should just go for divorce if wife is not performing her so called optional duty! Let the divorce goes up even higher. Sooner later government/media will highlight the importance of sex for hubby. No point keeping mum and suffer in silence. See so many uncles resort to beers and frequent to Geylang due to unsatisfied sexual life. Pathetic! Sex is just a simple need just like food we eat everyday. Why do I need to beg and beg every night? I feel really cheated into this situation. Now the priortiy becomes work hard, earn money, pay money, walking ATM, ensure the kid is well taken care ...

Last sentence really hit the nail right on the head........... Sad but true facts

[Tomthefucker]

Originally Posted by bernardlee

I NEVER change my sexual desires toward my wife! Still love her and always wanted to make love to her as before. BUT WHY WHY WHY GOD punished me by changing her.

I don't believe she does it on purposes.... BUT for whatever f@#King reasons she changed to a sexless creature.

Looks dame sexy but untouchable! Priceless but yet WORTHLESS! Other people say I have a pretty wife.... but deep inside very DU LAN.... what the use .... she is simply un f@#kable.

sorry to hear about your plight bro. Hope things change for the better.

Seems that a lot of us are in similar situations.

Its a torture when things appeared all to be normal, and yet only the sexual initmacy is missing. I am sick and tired of waiting for something which may not materialise at night.

[bernardlee]

Thanks bro, I really hope things change for the better.

Since so many bros here claimed that they are in the same boat too, is it really that common?

What is the percentage of the married couples fall into this category? If it is so common, then it is a fact of life... LAN LAN LOH.

Got to bite the bullet to pass through this stage of life... yeah... middle age crisis = unhappy marriage + job with not so promising future + responsibility to raise kid...

life dame sucks.

[Rickey]

Originally Posted by Wizrd

Ok bro...

I hear you...

So...here's the plan...

Plan A, she has sex with you....

If she turns this down...go for plan B...GL? State how often, four times a week? Get her agreement. If she does not agree...go for plan C...a Secret Mistress...hell, even let her choose for you...you come up with a list of possible candidates...she makes the final approval...sounds fair? Ok, maybe not to her...but you are the one making the request...go for it..

If she turns this down too, last resort time...plan D...Divorce...

Now, go do this!!

.

Originally Posted by bernardlee

Every bro should just go for divorce if wife is not performing her so called optional duty! Let the divorce goes up even higher. Sooner later government/media will highlight the importance of sex for hubby. No point keeping mum and suffer in silence. See so many uncles resort to beers and frequent to Geylang due to unsatisfied sexual life. Pathetic! Sex is just a simple need just like food we eat everyday. Why do I need to beg and beg every night? I feel really cheated into this situation. Now the priortiy becomes work hard, earn money, pay money, walking ATM, ensure the kid is well taken care ...

Another 2 power posts frm the bros Wizrd n bernardless tat speaks for the hearts of many bros facing tis problem wif their wifeys...at the end of the day, the problem is really tat esp after the kids arrive they will simply switch off n throw sex out of the window and focus on the child n other related life issues which they feel is more impt than having sex wif their husbands, if u r not lucky enough..this may be quite understandable n perhaps they are not totally to be blamed..but like bro wizrd pointed out, the responsibility n priority shd be towards each other 1st, the husband n the wife when the marriage contract was signed...b4 other things comes into consideration n not vice versa..

So tis is going to be a fact of life for married men which the wifeys shd oso take note if they dun aldy know, n tis is wat a guy can expect after u sign on dotted line to marry ur gal...Tats why i urge those young bros wanting to get married to tink carefully again n many many times over b4 plunging in...if u r lucky enough, u still get to go thru' the motions of sex o/w u get nothing at all...cos of tis i feel its beta to stay single if u can to save urselves all these hurts n heartaches in the future rather than after getting married n find urselves disadvantaged in so many ways...it could be too late by then for regrets !

Originally Posted by Tomthefucker

sorry to hear about your plight bro. Hope things change for the better.

Seems that a lot of us are in similar situations.

Yes u r rite, bro Tom...tink most of us are faced wif tis problem...many cannot take it n go find FLs, WLs etc n eat out to satisfy their needs, causing all these problems leading to divorce, n contracting STIs...an unhappy situation for both parties...

Tis there all the time, jus tat if we dun share in a forum like tis, one may tink tat he is the only one having tis problem...sigh

[bernardlee]

My sexy kitten was long gone. Now she became a hen looking after her chick. The chick is the apple of her eye. Sadly, I am a hen-pecked husband. Nowsaday I usually stay quiet to maintain the harmony of the family. I wonder did she get married just to have the kid and forgot the husband. WTF

[bernardlee]

If my father-in-law is the OKT, I sure complain "You house girl dunno how to 做工! Here CANNOT touch, there CANNOT touch, and only go through the motion only, NO girlfriend feeling, NO BBBJ, and like a DEAD FISH and SHE cost me more than $150"

[Wizrd]

Originally Posted by bernardlee

If my father-in-law is the OKT, I sure complain "You house girl dunno how to 做工! Here CANNOT touch, there CANNOT touch, and only go through the motion only, NO girlfriend feeling, NO BBBJ, and like a DEAD FISH and SHE cost me more than $150"

...good one bro......how sad the reality of life can be, yeah?

Some of the bros are obviously not reading properly...it is not about some bros not being good lovers or don't have time...but their wives just do NOT want intimacy...and that is the real problem.

Learning the whole Karma Sutra will not help because unless a bro gets to apply it to the wife, the knowledge of being a fantastic lover is useless...yeah, go book that holiday yeah? She turns around and says no...KNN, the amount spent on the booking is exactly enough for three weekend shots at the best GL shops...lost the holiday, lost the money and lost the shots all at one go...


My stand on this issue is clear. Give an ultimatum. Tell the wives to either play ball or lim peh will play ball with some other SYT...it is that simple....si mi?? Don't like ah? Divorce lor...

That is the only way to wake them up...Let them have the money, it is of no use to someone who doesn't understand the priorities of life and her role in a marriage CONTRACT.


While I feel sad about the situation, it is more common than people believe....don't forget, the women folk do talk to each other, and once they find out that no need to put out because so and so's wife has refused him sex for years and he lan lan still act as the dutiful husband...plus if he walk salah step wrong, lao niang will sue his arse and take everything from him...once this type of stories get out...more and more wives will go down the same way...

Sg being a pressure cooker city is partly to blame, but in this pressure cooker city, the fucking laws are all tilted to the women's benefit...then the stupidest law of no HDB unless married....na bei, that will screw half the guys in the country...so as men, we have to be strong...take a tough stance...divorce and take the money woman, lim peh want to screw means want to screw...since it's not you, plenty of women will line up for lim peh's left-over cash. (do you not think our 'forefathers' thought this through which could be why GL is legal? Maybe they were suffering the same fate...)

For the young guys hoping that their GFs will forever be the nympho they are now...be warned...some may and some may not turn into complete dead fish (dead fish still ok for some...the day time sexy, night time cannot touch fish are the jia lat ones)...with those odds, you are better off taking your chances at the casino...plus...the casino will not stop you from betting for as long as you want, all night long, and also has no right to stop you from gambling elsewhere.

Marriage, guys...is an illusion of an union because what it means is...she gets her way...you lan lan...that's marriage.

Sorry, I'm not usually this upset but today, my best mate just got his arse kicked by his wife...she claims he is screwing his sceretary, and without proof, told everyone she knew...even texted me, that nasty woman....now even his children are not talking to him...and hey...he is the nicest guy I know...no sex from the wife for a year, refused to cheong together with me...and still she can do this to him...fucking char bor...heartless creatures when the time is right for them...

I need to now go fuck a woman to settle my anger...boy is my GF going to get it in half an hour...

[bernardlee]

Hi Wizrd,

I followed your plan and initiated the discussion with my wife. I believe we guys should always take the lead and not to suffer in silence.

She replied in SMS:

i have no need and think u enjoy more. dont want to get pregnant. feel so tired everyday work and hsework and bb. y must i still spend energy to satisfy u and make myself feel like a slave. sex and hse slave then scully get pregnant again and suffer torment. pls dont only think of yourself.

She win liao loh. Before the kid she never said such things. Yet I am helping her to do house chores and be a faithful husband.

[Frankiestine]

Originally Posted by bernardlee

My sexy kitten was long gone. Now she became a hen looking after her chick. The chick is the apple of her eye. Sadly, I am a hen-pecked husband. Nowsaday I usually stay quiet to maintain the harmony of the family. I wonder did she get married just to have the kid and forgot the husband. WTF

Well had a show down with oc recently but unfortunately nothing changes everything remains very much the same...told her our marriage is basically just for show...superficially show everyone we are both loving couple but when it comes to our sex life practically dead...she can admit sex is not a priority for her in marriage and she can live without it...she feels if this is so important to me then i should just call time out and find my own happiness with another woman who can provide me with all the sex I want...honestly i feel she is such a selfish creature....she married me just so she can have a status after that everything thrown aside...the option from her is clear, if i want to remain in this marriage then don't expect much for the sex part...if not I can always walk away.....true i very much want to walk away but not at this point...i been through one divorce and what it cost me...further more i am still carrying a few baggage from my previous marriage....i will make sure all these are lay to rest before I plan my next move...but its a ten year plan to unfold....

[5ag1_Boar]

I'm repeating myself, but I strongly recommend going to see marriage counsellor. They are more receptive to hear it from a "professional" than from the person "begging" them for sex.

Seriously if a woman does not think sex is important, she very unlikely to change her mind after discussing with husband. Threats seldom work too... plus it may lead to resentment.

However:
1. Make sure you go by yourself first to see a few to select one that will counsel that sex is important in a marriage. It is not uncommon for a person to go to a counsellor by him/herself first for a few sessions, then invite the spouse later.
2. Do not go thinking that sex is the focus. The whole relationship is a package.
3. Do not tell your spouse that you are requesting counselling because of sex. Tell him/her you love him/her but feel things are going downhill and you want to fix it.

Unfortunately, I can't recommend anyone as the one I went to is not practising any more.

* Edit: add info below *
A few years ago, per 1 hour session, about $80+. Even with inflation, it is still cheaper than a decent FL. Long term solution and fixes more than just your sexual needs. Also, discuss with your counsellor to plan how many sessions, what's the frequency, etc, before progress review and decide whether want/need to continue. It should not go on forever. It usually starts with weekly or fortnightly sessions, than become monthly or longer.

Things will not change overnight, it will need constant work and dedication from both parties to make things work.

[bernardlee]

Agree, it is very difficult to change her mind. Sex is not under her todo list anymore. The whole event of pregnancy, giving birth, motherhood is a big life event to her and has changed her tremendously. The stressful worklife is also affecting her mood.

Probably it is still best to leave it to the hands of professional mediator. It is so difficult to talk about sex with my traditional wife. Everytime sex is mentioned, the discussion never has a good ending. I blame you and then you blame me for not doing enough. Then i start blaming my job, so i quited my job...now what? No matter how much efforts you put in, it is still back to square one. There is no improvement at all.

Now i really feel like a little boy begging mummy for sweets. There is no intimacy at all. So even if i get the sex eventually, without intimacy it won't be satisfying.

I seriously do not know that i will end up in such predicament. Nobody warns me at all

[notti4u]

[QUOTE=5ag1_Boar;7866509]I'm repeating myself, but I strongly recommend going to see marriage counsellor. They are more receptive to hear it from a "professional" than from the person "begging" them for sex.

Bro, maybe yours work. But for me, my OC and I had talked about this thru marriage counsellor and it is useless. Nothing had improved at all. She just bluntly tell the counsellor she is not interested in making love. She just do her due diligent in bed just for the sake of having kids.