Wife & Sex - going through the motion

[Apocalypse]

PHYSICAL ISSUES

medical conditions - anaemia, high blood pressure, diabetes, multiple sclerosis, and hemochromatosis among others. Undiagnosed thyroid disease is suspected by some doctors to be responsible for a significant number of cases of low sex drive.

medicine, medical treatments and drugs - alcohol, prescription drugs (including most hormonal birth control methods), and street drugs are probably the single most common causes of low sex drive. Chemotherapy, high blood pressure medicine, antidepressants, tranquillizers and other medicines and medical treatments can affect sex drive. It may be possible to correct much of this by changing medications and/or dosages, so let your doctor know about the problems. Alcoholism is a very common sex drive killer in men.

hormones - a woman's natural hormone cycle gives her periods of greater and lesser sexual desire. Hormones can also affect sexual drive during pregnancy, lactation and at menopause. Low testosterone reduces sex drive in both men and women, but this is actually rare in men.

exhaustion - being occasionally tired happens to us all, but chronic exhaustion means you need to check your priorities. Eat well and get adequate rest and exercise (cut back or cut out the smoking and drinking). In men exhaustion can impair erection even if the man desires sex; similar impairment of function is believed to occur in women who are too tired.

painful sex - infections, a poorly healed episiotomy, endometriosis, back problems and other conditions can cause sex to be uncomfortable or painful, making sex undesirable.

Getting Help: If the issue(s) are out of your control, they will only be resolved if you can persuade your spouse to seek help or make changes. A pastor or counsellor can be a big help, if you can get your spouse to go. You may have a better chance to get them to go for an underlying non-sexual issue than for the sexual problem itself; if you have a good idea about the cause of the problem, work towards dealing with that before addressing the sexual issue. If your spouse won’t go with you for help, go alone. A good counsellor can help you sort things out, help you make changes in you that may precipitate changes in your spouse, and offer some ideas on how to better communicate about the issue with your spouse.

Got feelings?: If you are a man, it may help to change how you talk about your sexual needs. If a woman hears “I’m horny, do something about it” she is not likely to feel sympathetic. Because of male/female differences, a wife may hear this even though her husband is neither saying nor means that. Due to gender differences, she may feel he is all about, and only about the physical part of sex. It helps is she can hear and understand that he wants and needs sex for emotional and relational reasons. She needs to know that having sex makes her husband feel loved, while hearing “no” to sex makes him feel unloved. When sex becomes about more than bodies, when it becomes a thing of feelings, she is more likely to see sex as important.

Trying to get change: Some sexually refusing spouses also refuse to talk about the situation or admit there is a problem. In this situation, the alternatives are limited. It seems the only three choices are to give up and live with it, divorce, or push the matter - possibly to the point of crisis. Human nature is to resist change in general, and change we don't want in particular. Change happens when 1) the change seems advantageous 2) the individual is motivated to do what is right or 3) when not changing is more uncomfortable changing.

Why change would be good: The gentle, loving approach is to point out the good that would come from a change in your sex life. This is about the two of you as a couple, rather than your needs. Sex has many positive health benefits (a future article) as well as being very good for the marriage relationship. Saying things like “I want a great sex life for both of us” and asking how you can help are good ways to approach this option.

Precipitating a Crisis/Ultimatums: Some spouses have saved their sex life (and marriage) by saying, "you deal with this or _____." If the marriage is important to the refusing spouse, such an ultimatum may cause them to seek help or attempt to change. On the other hand, if the marriage is not important, or the reason they are avoiding sex is more important than the marriage or just too painful, an ultimatum can end the marriage. This is a last ditch effort and you should only resort to this after trying everything else, and praying a great deal. Do not make an ultimatum you don’t mean – if you won’t leave, then don’t say you will leave. If you can’t keep sharing a bed without sex, then tell your spouse that. If you are tired of pretending in front of others, explain what will happen if your spouse does nothing.

[korg2020]

Hi Jim, sorry if my replies sounds unacceptable to you, but I am trying to see things from the perspective of a women...not taking sides but sometimes, we have to look within ourselves and also to see things from a women point of view. I am in my forties, married and with kids, and I, like most brothers here, are also in the same situation but I am also trying to understand things from the viewpoint of a wife.

[sgjoey]

Originally Posted by charisme

I love my kids but i would nvr tell them tt sex keeps their man frm straying. Cause even with sex provided at home. man somehow will still find reason to have an affair outside. like many here says. more variety. sick of just the one at hone.

sex is impt. but it is not the main reason for keeping the marriage alive. if the husband is just in it for sex. i would tell them to leave ur hubby. Make sure he really do love u very much for who u are not just in bed. no women should be subjected to being in a marriage that is based on sex.
i would tell my sons. love ur wife. treat her well. Making love is a bond between the both of u. but nvr ever make use of her just to fulfil ur sexual needs. it is pure disrespect to her n urself.


Marriage is like a building. True love n communication is what keeps it going, the foundation for it to remain strong. making love is the exterior, the designs to beautify it, bringing sparks to it. the kids are the interior. U add them on to ur life when the foundation and exterior are completed. U want to protect them. When the sparks(exterior) wears out. Make an effort to paint it again. Bringing the sparkles back..

And you would be doing your kids a disfavor... because you are speaking not from a position of knowledge, but merely from your gut feel.

There are very large areas of overlap between love and sex. Indeed, it is frequent sex between couples that cause them to love one another. This is a well-known scientific fact -- hormones given off during sex, such as oxytocin make a couple have tender feelings towards one another.

Do yourself and your kids a favour by getting the facts right before telling them anything. Take a look at this page -- but this is just the start. There is much to learn about the complex universe of relationships.

And yes, variety is a problem with no easy solutions in a monogamous culture. A classic case of nature at odds with nurture.

[nuclearkid]

Originally Posted by sgjoey

Do yourself and your kids a favour by getting the facts right before telling them anything. Take a look at this page -- but this is just the start. There is much to learn about the complex universe of relationships.

And yes, variety is a problem with no easy solutions in a monogamous culture. A classic case of nature at odds with nurture.

The concept of a polygamous relationship isn't exactly acceptable to all. Its like politics, religion, sexual orientations...what's right or wrong depends on your perspective and your bias. It isn't acceptable just because it is acceptable to some.

And speaking of complexity, any relationship is as complex as you want it to be, or conversely, just as simple. It can be as straightforward as no BS, straight talking and no hiding. Same stuff we teach our young children day in day out. If one starts thinking about a relationship as one does drawing up a risk assessment matrix, yes, it can be terribly convoluted. There is another book in history that outsells the one you recommended...inside, it espoused basic tenets of a strong relationship while not never suggesting polygamy is the solution. Make a guess, most people have heard of it...

Nonetheless, the internet and by extension the information it generates, provides a plethora of information for one to practice his or her confirmation. Its definition, according to wiki, is "Confirmation bias (also called confirmatory bias or myside bias) is a tendency for people to favor information that confirms their preconceptions or hypotheses regardless of whether the information is true." Data mining is a very common malpractice in the research world. Likewise, one can easily find information to debunk the notion that polygamy is natural. We should take such information in perspective and practice what is right while knowing what can potentially be problematic.

[charisme]

Originally Posted by sgjoey

And you would be doing your kids a disfavor... because you are speaking not from a position of knowledge, but merely from your gut feel.

Do yourself and your kids a favour by getting the facts right before telling them anything.

Whatever rocks your boots dude. u have your way of teaching your kids and i have mine. have a good day!

[analog]

Originally Posted by charisme

Whatever rocks your boots dude. u have your way of teaching your kids and i have mine. have a good day!

Standard modern female response.....
"The world is the way I want it and define it, reality and my vows be damned. He has to keep his vows, I don't.".

This is exactly the problem.

Once again lads, you did not marry to be a monk. If your wife is refusing sex without a valid reason it is grounds for divorce, full stop.

I encourage you to go to counselling....much of what happens there madam Charisme would not approve of but then that doesn't matter.

The family court will send you to counselling whether like it or not unless you both agree the relationship is too far gone ....and that can happen if you let resentment build up for too long.

Men marry for sex, not friendship or companionship. We have lots of friends and lots of companions its just that they are all guys and most of us are not interested in sex with guys. So we try and find a lady that doesn't give us too much of a headache and that becomes the one. Oh-Oh jim, you're such and MCP blah, blah, yes, yes, yes, the truth is a surprise but that is life. You can see the world as it is and deal with it or you can be frustrated for-ever, its your call.

Cheers,
Jim

[Frankiestine]

Originally Posted by analog

Standard modern female response.....
"The world is the way I want it and define it, reality and my vows be damned. He has to keep his vows, I don't.".

This is exactly the problem.

Once again lads, you did not marry to be a monk. If your wife is refusing sex without a valid reason it is grounds for divorce, full stop.

I encourage you to go to counselling....much of what happens there madam Charisme would not approve of but then that doesn't matter.

The family court will send you to counselling whether like it or not unless you both agree the relationship is too far gone ....and that can happen if you let resentment build up for too long.

Men marry for sex, not friendship or companionship. We have lots of friends and lots of companions its just that they are all guys and most of us are not interested in sex with guys. So we try and find a lady that doesn't give us too much of a headache and that becomes the one. Oh-Oh jim, you're such and MCP blah, blah, yes, yes, yes, the truth is a surprise but that is life. You can see the world as it is and deal with it or you can be frustrated for-ever, its your call.

Cheers,
Jim

Hear ye I second your reason thou I doubt these morally upright women folks will ever hear of it. True be told, if a man can tell a woman that he is fine with a marriage without sexual intimacy then I say he is lying through his teeth. Its either he is gay or he is impotent....period.

Women folks will never understand this point, they say we men can only think about sex. Yes we think of sex but it is also the intimacy that comes with it that we yearn for...but it worse when your partner starts to make you feel like there is something wrong with you...that you starts questioning your own masculinity...when self doubts starts creeping into your mind...naturally we would start to sway and look for reassurance...lame as it may sound but what else do these women expect to happen? For the man to cut his prick off and change sex or take up monk? I sure hell didn't sign up for marriage to be celibate.....like monster always say..if marriage is a contract then we should rightfully sue our wives for breaching the contract...

[nuclearkid]

Originally Posted by analog

Men marry for sex, not friendship or companionship. We have lots of friends and lots of companions its just that they are all guys and most of us are not interested in sex with guys. So we try and find a lady that doesn't give us too much of a headache and that becomes the one. Oh-Oh jim, you're such and MCP blah, blah, yes, yes, yes, the truth is a surprise but that is life. You can see the world as it is and deal with it or you can be frustrated for-ever, its your call.

Cheers,
Jim

I have to respectfully disagree with you on that. Would personally value a meaningful companionship over sex, though it would be a bonus if both aspects are equally good. For the record, am a guy. And to me, if a woman decides that sex is not a priority in her life, its her perogative and her right. I don't recall my wedding vows explicitly stating sex-on-demand is a given but nonetheless, I respect her wishes and if that's the way it is, so be it.

[charisme]

Originally Posted by Frankiestine

Hear ye I second your reason thou I doubt these morally upright women folks will ever hear of it. True be told, if a man can tell a woman that he is fine with a marriage without sexual intimacy then I say he is lying through his teeth. Its either he is gay or he is impotent....period.

With the number of men here. where majority will put sex first. Can nvr out talk u guys. u dominate this forum. but i still think sex is not everything in a marriage...

Originally Posted by nuclearkid

I have to respectfully disagree with you on that. Would personally value a meaningful companionship over sex, though it would be a bonus if both aspects are equally good. For the record, am a guy. And to me, if a woman decides that sex is not a priority in her life, its her perogative and her right. I don't recall my wedding vows explicitly stating sex-on-demand is a given but nonetheless, I respect her wishes and if that's the way it is, so be it.

And thank u MAN .. haha. nice to know that there is At least someone who is still in the right mind where he do value love...

[S i l v i a]

Originally Posted by nuclearkid

I have to respectfully disagree with you on that. Would personally value a meaningful companionship over sex, though it would be a bonus if both aspects are equally good. For the record, am a guy. And to me, if a woman decides that sex is not a priority in her life, its her perogative and her right. I don't recall my wedding vows explicitly stating sex-on-demand is a given but nonetheless, I respect her wishes and if that's the way it is, so be it.

But wouldn't it be fishy or funny if both of u really didn't have sex (let say once per mth the minimum) ?

Wouldn't he/she will find it fishy somewhere else...?

Anyway love is the most powerful meaning to marriage but sex is a also a powerful meaning to a marriage, I think both of them must come in a package! Cannot only have 1 nia.

[ferragamo]

Originally Posted by charisme

With the number of men here. where majority will put sex first. Can nvr out talk u guys. u dominate this forum. but i still think sex is not everything in a marriage...

sex is not everything in a marriage if both parties are aligned in this aspect. Perhaps for example in the later years when the woman enters menopause & the man has decreased testosterone - in this period it is the shared memories and perhaps kids that keep the marriage strong.

In the late 20s and 30s , if the guy is a normal healthy male - sex is going to be a very important thing in the marriage.

If you tell your 30 yr old husband that 'sex is not everything' and have sex with him once every 3 months, and rush him to finish to watch your Korean drama, see what happens to your marriage...

[nuclearkid]

Originally Posted by S i l v i a

But wouldn't it be fishy or funny if both of u really didn't have sex (let say once per mth the minimum) ?

Wouldn't he/she will find it fishy somewhere else...?

Anyway love is the most powerful meaning to marriage but sex is a also a powerful meaning to a marriage, I think both of them must come in a package! Cannot only have 1 nia.

If you are screwing to fulfill a quota (of once a month or any other regularity), sex has lost its significance. And if a lack of it fuels suspicions, you don't probably don't trust him/her enough to begin with. As our sex drives naturally plateau and then dip as we progress in age, does it then imply you love/trust your partner less just because the need declines in intensity? Its comes down to a comfort level between two which cannot be established by any other exogenous factors.

[Highjoys]

Originally Posted by jessca

... Seriously? Our entire job and obligation is to have sex? Wow. I'm shocked.

Well I think should be more than that. Communication with lust and jokes can be impt. It is not a job or obligation. It is adult fun Must try at least smthing different. A nice bj will also bring new high to guy or a new place to enjoy sex together may bring the thrills. It depends on how creative you can.

[Sen5eS]

sigh ... the debate goes on and on and on and on ...

[zacarie]

Originally Posted by ferragamo

If you tell your 30 yr old husband that 'sex is not everything' and have sex with him once every 3 months, and rush him to finish to watch your Korean drama, see what happens to your marriage...

When my late 30s hubby want sex.. hell yeah! I wont rush him. but too bad he doesnt last long.. when i want it from him... it'll be a rush job for him or sometimes even rejection. cause he tired.. want to sleep. the typical excuses tt u guys complain ur wives say. How would the wife feels then? Sexually unsatisfied.. does he have someone outside? M i not longer attractive to him?
before marriage. we do it so often. after marriage when preg too. then when kid came... the end......... haha. he started straying. i pick up skills frm watching so tt can try on him. but still the same. N when ur hubby doesnt even want to be out or be seen w u.. imagine how a wife would feel...
Like i say again if man wanna stray.. they will stray.

N those who said sex is not everything in a marriage.. i agree w u all. based on my own experience. Communication n love is still the key to it..
all the best to those who're facing problems in urs..