I was addicted to buying love... (or maybe i still am.)

[moonlove]

i wouldnt really say this is a story. more of confessions. or various stories that made me who i am, what i am.

maybe some of you are gonna think im a stuck up bitch, or maybe some of the ladies here actually went through the same things as me. lets just take it as im ranting. people whom are curious can read on but those not interested in long winded stories can move on.

Sorry not exactly a fantastic writer since im more into chinese. anyone willing to help me translate from chinese to english can pm!

Prelude

I was a plus size since i could remember. Probably even right from primary school. From being mocked by schoolmates to finally finding my own friends to hang out with, life was never easy.

Love life was worst. I never had any luck in school, because in order to survive, I stopped trying to be a girl in secondary school. I'd read all the comics (i belong to the flame of recca, bleach days.), and mix around with the guys etc. And probably because of that, I developed a very straight forward character in which i ended up being brothers with most of my classmates rather den anyone for me to have a crash on. And because of my looks and size, i thought that was fine.

I just wanted to survive, to be able to go to school happily.

Everything changed when I met H from an online platform in my higher secondary school days. (i wont go into details since i know hes a member here.)

I thought i was in love. He was perfect although there was a significant age gap between us. but at that time everything really doesnt matter. I was in love. I wanted to show him off to my close friends (i never did in the end). I thought i was in love. But in fact, he was sexually grooming me. He'd teach me how to pleasure a guy with my hands or mouth.

I was afraid of losing him. I learned to enjoy what he was teaching me. I also figured out that his satisfaction was my happiness. But I did not expect that to change my whole life's direction. Maybe i was too young to understand all that. or maybe i really didnt give a damn.

PS I've never blamed him. in a way i am thankful to him. Because of him i strayed from a normal life, i ended up with my own stories. And to b honest, ive never put him behind. never.

Fast forward. When i finally left him at 17, I was a broken person. in all ways. my self esteem was zero, my self confidence also went zero. We went through a tough phrase (which ill skip here cause i dont want to risk him ever reading this or feeling bad.). It wasnt his fault at all. Thinking back if i had been more matured at that age, things would have been much smoother for us. I'd have tolerated things. And right now i'd not have so many "what-if"s.

After leaving him. I feel like i failed as a female.
And the only way i could convince myself that i am ok, i am normal... was through anything sexual.
Was to destroy myself so that I could be reborn. Despite knowing everything in my mindset was morally wrong.

To be continued...

[ApolloCraft]

Do continue TS

[KeungK]

Do continue TS

Yes, continue please 9
46

[PrataMaiHum]

Nice start TS, please continue

[RoyalTroon]

Camping here too.

[simply2323]

You were 17yrs old when the romance was cut off. How old are you now? Maturity should had prevailed if being 17yrs old was more than many years ago. Kindly continue and not to worry too much about your English as it is much better than some of the writers/readers here.

[uKnowWhoAmI]

You were 17yrs old when the romance was cut off. How old are you now? Maturity should had prevailed if being 17yrs old was more than many years ago. Kindly continue and not to worry too much about your English as it is much better than some of the writers/readers here.

Well said bro :)

[moonlove]

You were 17yrs old when the romance was cut off. How old are you now? Maturity should had prevailed if being 17yrs old was more than many years ago. Kindly continue and not to worry too much about your English as it is much better than some of the writers/readers here.

definitely more den a decade ago.
but I wouldn't say I've grown to be more matured or anything.
even if I have.
towards him I am still the same old me. some things in life there's no control. and some scars are forever.

[moonlove]

Stepping into the virtual sex world

At 17, there was alot i had to deal with.
Something major happened at home and all of a sudden I had all the freedom in the world. There was suddenly no one to bother about what time i stopped using the computer, or no one to look at what im doing.

Of course at that time, there was no whatsapp or line or wechat, not even smartphone.
But there was irc, and skype.
I could still remember the IRC channels such as #sex or #cybersex . and back den it wasnt sext.. people simply go "dirty chat?" or start a /me roleplay etc. (i think some people here shod remember all that...

after leaving him, i literally spend all my days in front of the computer. on irc. (back den it was so difficult to even send a photo, or take a photo cuz my camera phone was nokia 7250. and we had to mms to some email or whatever den open... troublesome.)

i got addicted to irc. to dirty chats. to things like roleplay.
i never got about to meeting anyone from irc. probably part of me was still in control. or probably my self confidence was too low for me to do so. i dont remember.
but i was addicted to using a different nick everyday, chatting dirty with different strangers, roleplaying with different strangers. it wasnt exactly erotic but it kept my mind off thinking about him and the failed relationship.

but at the same time the things that people talk about, it was like one after another lesson learnt.
everyone in one way or another seems to have some dark fetish.
some people loves incest roleplay, some have rape fantasies.
sometimes i even wonder if any of those i roleplayed with is actually H. but in the virtual world, there was no way i could find out anything. just as those people would never find out who am i.

i could be wearing my oversize tee yet telling someone im wearing nothing.
i could behave like a slut with my words.
i could use degrading words such as describing how i love to be treated rough like a slut or how im a good bitch.
afterall, its just words. and it made someone on the other side of the screen happy. it doesnt matter who i am or what i do, or if i am happy.


i was literally entertaining everyone. but yet sexually i wasnt feeling anything. there was no tendency to even feel sexual. yet at that time it doesnt seems like anything was wrong with me. i thought i was just trying to let time pass.
of course there was no end to the black hole im throwing myself into.

irc was just a beginning.
and soon i was getting bored of the roleplays or the dirty chats. afterall the unhappiness inside me was building up day by day...

[RedTub]

Camping here....

[DeBruyne]

Please continue TS ....

[whiteswallow]

Lending my support to TS . :)

[moonlove]

Virtual Double Life

Having a double life is never easy. (i realised that more and more as i grew older.) But at that time, in my teens, even having a virtual double life wasn't easy.

I had to be the decent and obedient daughter at home due to what happened in the family. although all of a sudden i had all the freedom i ever wanted, but i was still struggling. And i had to be the bubbly friend to my friends. No one knew about what happened between me and H. No one was supposed to know anyway. All they knew is there was a huge age gap between us and things werent supposed to work out. So in front of them, i had to pretend like "oh, u r right..".

I'd hang out with friends and spend time with family in the day or night, and once I'm home and alone in my room, i was hooked onto the virtual world. and IRC seems to be the best place to release all the pent up frustration. The best place to release all the mixed emotions i was feeling at that time.

It'd didnt really occur to me that H was the root of the problem. I just felt like everything happened all at once and i was at a total loss. leaving H just made things worst. I lost the last tinge of physical intimacy i had. (i was already drifting apart from my family). At least during the months when i was with H, i felt needed when he needed me. I felt warmth when we were intimate. He liked me to serve him, and i liked serving him. We are in no way in a master-slave relationship, but I was in a give and no take relationship. But i was ok with that. Because i had believed that was what love was supposed to be like :

You do whatever the person you love wants you to. No asking nor questioning. Be it something you can accept, you cant accept, just do it if you love.

It wasnt till much later in life that i realised that mindset was ridiculously crazy. But at that age, it was like a fairytale. And H was the perfect guy i ever imagined despite all the issues.

When i finally lost that last human touch, (i had friends and i had my family, but it just doesnt work that way sometimes, its just not enough) i started developing the habit of self destruct and degrading. But i wasn't ready to just go out and find someone to have sex and ruin my own life. My logical mind was still part of me even though i really wanted to do so. Partially probably because im not confident enough to do so either i guess. (but to start sex at a later age, till now ive no regret.)

But IRC soon got boring for me.
I didn't really know what was the kick anymore.
Roleplaying. Chatting dirty. Everything seems like a repeat of yesterday. And i was getting bored, getting unhappy all over again.

"What are you wearing now?"
"What size are your breasts?"
"a/s/l? ht/wt? got pic?"
"want to roleplay? sis/bro dad/daughter teacher/student classmates?"
"wanna phonesex?"

everyday, different people asks the same question in different channels. I started developing yet another habit. to cut people off after getting them high.

to disconnect once they are so into the chat that they started asking for number (there was no line or wechat, so phonechat or sms was the most epic form of communication.) or to disconnect in the midst of an entertaining roleplay that is obviously giving the stranger on the other end of the chat a hard on.

i was good with my words. (at least at that time i was good with my english lah).

and i was also good at leaving strangers high and dry. occasionally when i was in the mood, i'd ask for the other party's number, call with my landline with no number display, moan for a seconds to make him happy and hang up, disconnect, disappear. god was fair to me, he didnt give me a good face nor body but he gave me good voice. my bestie was always saying i had the voice of a sex call operator but the face of a horrible prankster. (who knows, maybe some of u here did get calls from me over a decade back heh. the world is small.)

finally i got bored. my friends got bored of irc too. and i got bored of the aimless dirty chats or roleplay. i went back into my own shelter mode and started hiding in my own world again. everyday i was unhappy, especially whenever i pass by H's place, which is nearby my own place. that got me feeling even worst. but i was bored of irc and it doesnt make me feel good anymore. so i had to stay w the unhappy me.

and as a close friend went overseas to continue her studies, we started using skype.

initially, i did not know there was a function to search for strangers.
initially, i thot skype was just for friends.
initially, i didnt know skype could be used for video calls.

i didnt know that was going to start me on another phrase of self destruct. that would bring much more damage den irc did.

[Mandingoo]

U still buying sex? Lots of guys here will volunteer Foc

[reading]

Hi moon, good writing, more please ...

Have a great weekend :D

[hyperdick]

TS hope you come back soon .

[letmetellyou]

Cant see super moon, cant get to read moon story as well...haizzzzzzzzz

[Nicol]

Hope TS will continue

[orang]

Hope to read more updates.

[Musked]

Hoping to read more.

[moonlove]

Since ive started this story, ive received quite afew encouraging messages, and am really thankful for it. Sorry that ive to put an abrupt end to it. Just take it as this is a summary or ranting for me to vent off the emotions.

The following probably only contains 20% sexual contents so those not interested in boring stories can stop here cause i dont want to waste your time.

To the person involved, val (or ernest, ive no idea which name u go by anymore), i know you're an active member here and i hope you sees this. Since ive begged and pleaded for you to give me a closure but instead you decided to keep hiding, ill have to give myself one. I wouldnt want to shame myself this way either, but i guess ive had enough.

Its been almost a month since i got dumped, for no reason. It would have been a month on christmas eve. I hope you enjoy your festive season with your new girlfriend (or maybe old, ive no idea) , while im still left here jobless, cashless, mindless, still wondering what exactly happened, still trying to find excuses for you and trying to blame myself for being not good enough.

Isnt it weird? The scars on my wrist have healed. Leaving behind only red marks, but it still hurts whenever i touch it. Just like how on the surface im moving on again, laughing and going out with friends or no longer talking about this issue, but in actual fact i am still crying everyday and thinking why even after 12 years i have to go through this again.

Few days before you decide to cut me off for no reason, you convinced me to send you nudes with my face, and said i could trust you. Sure, why not? After all you were still the simple and quiet Val i knew right when im 16. In fact i was hoping why not you just viral those photos and give me a more proper reason to kill myself? Anyway, you probably have no idea how much courage it took cause ive such low esteem issues since when im 16.

Because you did not fuck me. Not when im 16, not now either. I just got dumped by the same man twice in my life, after enjoying enough of handjobs and blowjobs. But i did not get fucked. Probably, im really not good enough heh?

Friends said im lucky we didnt fuck, lesser loss. Sad to say, i was never really a sexual person since 16. Being surrounded by hot blooded peers showing off their sexual relationships when im 16 yet not getting the sexual intimacy i deserved have way damaged my self esteem. I cant possibly tell friends "oh ive a bf... he enjoys handjobs but nope he doesnt even touch me." Right? To be honest, even i myself finds it ridiculous.

If i am that lousy, such a turn off, why did you maintain such relationship whereby theres only handjobs involved? I didnt speak my mind, afterall i was only 16.

Fast forward 12 years later.

Its quite ouch to say that ive less den 3 proper long term relationships over the past 12 years, and probably had sex less than 10 times. While people around me are enjoying their youth and sex lives. Not that i am really complaining. A sexless life spent on traveling is not that bad either. I didnt enjoy sex either. Because ive grown to convince myself that i am not good enough.

PS Will try to finish up in the afternoon or tonight.

[moonlove]

In chinese, theres a saying 解铃还需系铃人。

Over the years, ive spent most of my youth drinking, clubbing, travelling, everything but sex. Ive gotten into arguments with friends whom complained about their sex lives. I dont see why girls are complaining about not getting sex from their other half.

In fact i started enjoying sexless relationships. I started enjoying going to gigolo clubs with friends. I had a decent job, decent income, no bf to report to, life was great. Spending money on good looking guys was an excuse, escaping from committment and still enjoying the attention is the truth.

Serious relationships doesnt last. Because we could never get past the sex part. I hated sex. Or rather i was afraid i wasnt good enough for sex. No matter how many years on, the psychological block doesnt go away. Getting intimate was uncomfortable, getting touched or fucked by someome else made me felt guilty in a way.

Its funny how during secondary school days, our teachers always try to warn us of the dangers of pre marital sex blablabla, but my exact problem came about because val wouldnt fuck me. My self esteem as a young female of 16 yrs old was totally crashed and wouldnt fix itself up. Even till im in my 20s.

The only kind of sex i enjoyed is virtual sex. Since the start of smartphone days, Ive developed the weird habit of randomly using chat apps to talk to people in other parts of the world, chatting dirty and exchanging photos without my damn head and leading them on. It satisfied me a little when i know i still have the ability to turn someone on. And i will never know who tt person is, vice versa, and of course will never meet that person.

I could use words as lowly and dirty as possible because i am in my own world.

"i want you to fuck me hard and call me your slut"

Things like that.

Of course. I know. I am sick. For a long time. These r not right and not healthy. But who gives a damn right? Everyone has their own dark secrets.

And i thought this kind of life could go on forever. Afterall i still enjoy the occasional gigolo club visits, i dont get physical or emotional with the gigolos but i get the attention i want.
And when i do have a very rare sexual need ill just download a random app, have random virtual sex and delete the app and sleep.

Its the perfect singles life.

But everything changed. When Val came back.

To be continued.

[johnl]

Moon, hope to read more of your stories.